America’s favorite horror anthology returned tonight with an episode I just this very second realized was called “Bitchcraft.” If any readers out there followed my reviews last season, you know I pretty much hate this show. OK, to be fair – I really don’t hate it. I try not to use that word at all anymore. But I do smirk and snark an awful lot when it comes to AHS. And quite frankly I have a lot of fun doing it, so I guess, maybe, I kind of like the show? Yeah? Anyway – I had psyched myself up and was determined to go in to this season with an open mind and realistic expectations. And then I realized the episode is called “Bitchcraft.” Goddammit, AHS.
Disclaimer: My reviews, much like the show, are not for younger or easily offended readers. Always proceed under that warning.
Title aside, I didn’t hate the premiere. Quite the opposite, really. It was everything AHS can be: Beautiful, well acted, titillatingly horrifying. You know, like a Mark Romanek video. The episode began with the same theme as previous seasons – actions in past eras affecting the present. But by the end of the episode it’s revealed that the two worlds are going to coexist through the season. We get a heavy intro to the present story that involves a teen being sent to Dirty American Hogwarts (with MiB instead of Hagrid) after her vagina kills a dude and she learns she’s from a long line of witches. We’re also shown the origin of an epic witch fight that has crossed over into present day.
So let’s talk about the good stuff first. And the best of the good is Kathy Bates. Holy shit – am I right? Kathy Bates, y’all. With a vigor and gusto that made me uncomfortable (which is awesome), Bates plays Delphine LaLaurie, who was in all likelihood America’s first serial killer. She gets forgotten and H.H. Holmes often gets the title because history only cares about white people. LaLaurie killed her slaves, but only after torturing them and using their organs for a youth serum. The episode opens in LaLaurie’s era and in a few brief scenes graphically recounts her evil. And you guys? I. Love. Angela Bassett. She was the sole reason I was excited for the return of the show. Her scenes were small in number tonight but large in power.
Lily Rabe had a brief but effective story as a local (present day) girl who was burned at the stake for witchery. Rabe is ethereal and gorgeous, but also horrifying. What an awesome combination. That’s kind of a life goal of mine. I digress. So even though her character met an untimely end from toothy pentacosts, I fully expect her, in some incarnation, to play a role in the upcoming episodes.
Pop quiz: What is kmc1138’s favorite part of AHS? Hint – it is not Maroon Five getting a beej. It’s the cinematography. It’s always lush and gorgeous and tonight was not a disappointment. A stand out for me was the deceptively simple mirror shot of Jessica Lange in different stages of aging. It was so tricky that at certain points I thought there had been a couple Tyler Durden-esque shots of a younger actress. Good stuff.
OK. Now the ick. I’ma lay out a trigger warning here, friends and neighbors, ’cause I’m about to talk about the rape scene. Specifically, I am going to heartily complain about the rape scene.
So far, there has been at least one violation in each volume of the AHS anthology. I’ve always found them to be in very poor taste, even in a show that’s is basically about depravity. Tonight’s group rape of a starlet was especially deplorable on several levels. Of course the issue of whether a rape scene can have artistic merit is a subject of constant debate, and I’m not going to take sides on that in this review. Truthfully, I simply don’t have a side. I am a firm believer in absolute artistic freedom, but I will tell you this: Rape scenes are usually trite, disrespectful to victims, assumes viewers are stupid, and downright lazy ass writing. I was having a good time with the episode and not terribly distracted by the usual AHS trappings when suddenly all I could picture was a writers’ room full of dudes with lots of chest hair and gold chains. The guy with the most chest hair was at the front of the room and declared “OK, we need a plot device that will show that this girl is angry and damaged enough to kill a bus full of frat guys.” A meek newcomer with only a couple gold chains raises a finger and knowingly says “how ’bout a rape scene?” To which Chest Hair responds “bingo bango bongo. Write it up.”
My other major issue is that so far it appears our heroine’s only witchy power is a vagina of death. At Dirty American Hogwart’s there is a clairvoyant, a human voodoo doll, a telekinetic, and… killer vagina. Are you shitting me.
When it was all said and done, I liked the premiere a lot more than I thought I would. I mean, we are grading on a pretty steep curve, but I don’t know. Maybe it was because I was in the right mood after watching the last ten minutes of “Paranormal Activity.” Maybe it’s because I want to be Jessica Lange when I grow up, or because Kathy Bates opened the show like a boss. I’m gonna go ahead and put this out there: I am hopeful for an interesting season. But if Not-Dermot Mulroney shows up as a degenerate at any point in the season I swear to Hecate I will set myself on fire.