Good lord, American Horror Story. I’ve been sitting here staring at my keyboard for a few minutes, occassionally releasing an exasperated giggle. I’ve got some advice for The Jessica Lange show, but it’s a bit uncomfortable.
This show needs to calm the shit down. Look – you can’t just cram throat slitting, a tongueless Filch, attempted hippy suicide, a Stevie Nicks worshipping lunatic, necrophiliac incest, racism, a mason jar of boiling semen, goat sacrifice, a girl with Down Syndrome talking about her sex life, bible thumping, pyromancy, teen masturbation, minotaur rape, a caved in head that would make Gaspar Noe wrinkile his nose, and Patti LuPone all into one episode. You just can’t. It’s kind of a faux pas. Y’all need to pace yourselves.
I realize the above paragraph reads like a mad lib, but assure you I didn’t make any of that up. There is almost no semblance of plot left in the show, save for “SOMEBODY GON’ DO SOMETHING FUCKED UP, Y’ALL.” That’s it. For ten more weeks. Check it out – I’m gonna write the rest of my review like I imagine an American Horror Story script would look. Pay attention, there are stage directions.
[Tilt your head at a 45 degree angle to the left. As you read the sentence, slowly move your head so the angle will be on the right] Jessica Lange gave 2.5 solilooquis and they were amazing. She must string the writers up by their nipples if they write stupid parts for her.
[Cross your eyes, close one of them, and move to approximately three inches from your monitor} Do you think the reason the minotaur is always out of focus is because the costume is shitty?
[Does your cellphone camera have a fish eye effect? OK, turn that on] Kathy Bates is funny as balls, you guys. I’ve decided that, for now, I’m OK with the racist being the comic relief. I am certainly laughing at her, not with her. Also why the shit did it take three episodes to get her out of the three hundred year old stank clothes?
[Put on a shawl and spin around a lot. Read only when you’re facing your monitor] If Stevie doesn’t show up and do some 120 Days of Sodom shit I will throw a WORLD CLASS TANTY.
[Completely arbitrarily and non-cohesive to any type of theme, just read this one all regular like] I really need more than three minutes of Angela Bassett time in each episode.
[Completely rearrange your computer area. The monitor should be off a bit to the left with something stark behind it. Light source is to the right, and get one of your friends to put vaseline in his/her hair and drum his/her fingers like Mr. Burns] I don’t even know. Not-Filch is up to something. Whatever. Maybe it will have to do with the inevitable flipper baby.
You might ask yourself why I put myself through this every week. *Shrug* I will never be too proud to admit that I have fun watching the show and writing the snark. Maybe I really like it and am ashamed of myself, maybe all this vitriol is just like, suuuuper cathartic. Eh, little from column A, little from column B. This week the internet told me that Jessica Lange won’t return after season four (SEASON FOUR?!?!?), so I will likely give up at that point.
So what do you think, friends and neighbors? What will top two ounces of semen boiling in a pit fire? Another musical number? *GASP* Patti LuPone and Jessica Lange doing “I Put a Spell on You”? I’m calling it. I am calling it. All I know is that right now I have a mighty need to watch “Rosemary’s Baby,” because it is both shocking and good.