All I could think about during my viewing of Axel Braun’s newest porn parody, “X-Men XXX,” was my water cooler conversation this coming Monday: “Oh hey, kmc1138! What did you do this weekend?” “Eh, the usual. Ate a sleeve of Oreos and took notes on a porno.” Luckily that’s not even close to the weirdest answer I’ve ever given, so my work environment shouldn’t be affected at all.
And – full disclosure – that certainly isn’t all I thought about. I was somewhat preoccupied with the approach I would take on my review. I’m by no means well-versed in the porn genre (and I would tell you if I were, because I see no point at all in feeling or causing shame over enjoyment of or participation in pornography). I don’t really have standards of comparison, and I tend to prefer my smut in written form anyway. Some of this porny stuff looks pretty owwy, y’all. Some of my ruminations are far too personal to share in this venue, and the ones that aren’t are way more on the nerdy spectrum than the Serious Porn Critic end of things. In the end, I realized that if you like superheroes and you like porn, why would you NOT want to watch this? It’s funny or erotic either way, and I imagine that a combination of the two is in fact Braun’s goal. So instead of trying to pass myself off as the voice of taste, you’re going to get my noobish impressions of an adult film.
Axel Braun is a reputable creator in the adult film industry, especially known for his attention to detail in his parodies. Superhero costumes are accurate and carefully made (with outhouse bottoms!) and characters are as true to canon as they can be when placed in these, um, situations. I would agree for the most part, especially the Rogue and Phoenix costumes. Wolverine’s costume was incredibly modeled after the older incarnations, but I have to tell you. Watching Wolverine fornicate for 20 minutes is his bright yellow costume is just hilarious. I am a grownup. And I am sorry. But it was funny.
There were a few notable FX shots, and they were good. Wolverine’s claw extension was executed darn near flawlessly, and Kitty Pryde’s phasing, while certainly not on the level of a megamillions blockbuster, was smooth as a single malt. I’m going to go ahead and let you use your imagination as to the context of those two scenes. Kitty’s phase in particular made me smile. It was an expense he didn’t have to budget, but Braun seems to enjoy tipping his hat to the nerdier crowd. I appreciate that. The final shot of the movie was the least impressive of the FX details, but again, Braun ain’t got Joss Whedon’s budget. But while we’re on the subject of Braun’s appreciation of nerdery, he certainly provided an elegant solution to two of the X-Men’s biggest conundrums. Sorry, I’ll not disclose those spoilers, you’ll just have to watch the film to find out.
Do all modern adult movies feature scores that go way beyond the cliched bow-chicka? This one sure does. I noticed it in the second erotic scene, and the music at that point was weird and dark and put me in a very Lynch/Badalamenti kind of mood. The music duties were credited only to “Mrs. Braun,” which I find very mysterious and I want to know more. Other interludes were peppered with epic melodies, and the atmosphere the score set in general was a nice surprise.
As far as the sexy times go, I’d have to say that the Colossus/Kitty Pryde scenes were my favorite. Katie St. Ives shined as the best female performer by far, and Billy Glide was aptly cast as Colossus. Very. Very. Aptly cast. Sadly, this was Billy Glide’s 699th and final performance, as he passed away earlier this year after suffering a rattlesnake bite, and Mr. Braun paid tribute to him in the opening titles of the film.
I think that my knee jerk reactions might provide you with a better feel for my relationship with adult films (and probably some of the X-Men), so in closing I’ll leave you with some of the choicier gems from my notes.
- Anal at eight minutes? I always thought that was more of a closer.
- This could be an actual line from a comic: “‘The Blob’? Are you kidding me? What are you, ‘The Stripper’?” Because even in 2014 eeeeeeeeeeverybody loves to slut shame Emma Frost. Actually, this costume is more demure than most of her comic costumes. Is that irony?
- Oh dear lord I hope they used a wet nap or something.
- After seeing all the fan art that circulates this is actually kind of tame OH WAIT MAGNETO’S GOT A SNAPPY CROTCH.
- Storm’s a thief? No. Prostitute maybe, but she is no thief good sir.
- Well he was actually called Wolverine before he met – you know what, never mind. It’s cool. I’m letting it go.
- I don’t think Jean Grey would slap herself in the face with a dick, cosmic entity possession or not.
- The carpet does not match the curtains. There’s one mystery solved.
- MADAM I ASSURE YOU THAT YOU DO NOT WANT WOLVERINE TO PUT HIS FINGER THERE. That’s gonna end in tears, ma’am. That…. will end in tears.
- Man. Even in the porno Wolverine doesn’t get to bang Jean Grey (upon sharing this news with Zombietron, he solemnly replied “poor bastard, they know the canon”).
At 1:58 into my viewing, I realized they only had about three minutes to resolve the plot. I’m leaving a description of that plot out of the review, because I think it would reveal too many clues about the couplings, and that’s part of the fun. But fear not, dear readers, for Axel Braun left it open for a sequel.
“X-Men XXX: An Axel Braun Parody” is available via Vivid’s website and your local adult entertainment retailer. But if you make sure to follow Big Shiny Robot on Twitter, you might just find yourself the lucky recipient of a free copy – 18 and older only, please!