I lucked out one evening while perusing woodrocket.com (I was trying to find the James Deen Loves Food series so I could watch him order Del Taco for 20 minutes) when I discovered the "Doctor Who" porn parody, "Doctor Whore", had finally been released. I am, unfortunately, the girl who uses “YOU NAME A PORN PARODY, I’VE SEEN IT!” to make friends, so I had to put aside previous James Deen-y food desires and watch this new addition. It’s porn, so the costumes are silly, the acting is stretched, and the wigs are atrocious. But, what typically makes a good porn parody is the writing. And thanks to Lee Roy Myers, porn parody legend, my goodness does "Doctor Whore" deliver.

Doctor Whore is broken into four parts. Let’s evaluate each part, shall we?

Part 1

Part one opens with a close up of the Please Her Box, a giant blue TARDIS replica that, instead of asking police to respond to all calls, requests genital experts. Sure. Anyway, sirens are going off and an actor with floppy Matt Smith hair and strained eccentric-ness enters.He looks around, confused, and enter two Cybermen holding two silver vibrators. The Doctor is surprised, claims to be Earth’s protector because he’s “a sex lord for crying out loud!” and asks how they managed to breach his defenses. Speaking from behind painted paper plates, the CyberSemen (ha!) explain their plan to upgrade humanity’s dicks and vajayjays. They bicker between each other (“I pilot the ship, Jeff. Don’t belittle me in front of our enemies.”) and I giggle a little harder than I should. A sudden twist presents itself when the Doctor asks who helped them, and they respond robotically: The Doctor. A porn with a twist!

Cut to three days earlier, when Amy Pond shows Rory her police kiss-o-gram costume. Amy, in order to earn some extra cash, wants to return to her kiss-o-gram job. Rory obviously has a problem with her going around kissing a bunch of randoms. Amy explains that this time she’s a fuck-o-gram. Rory then decides to sell stuff they own (including his favorite porn parody DVD Shercock) in order to prevent her from, you know, doing that job. Also, it’s his birthday! Before they jump right into the banging, jokes include: Balleck...exsperminate! Exsperminate! I honestly can’t write the other joke here because it was so gross I groanlaughed. You guys - this is so much plot in only 5 minutes, kudos to them. Then, of course, 24 minutes of banging.

Part 2

Part two picks up immediately where part one left off. The Doctor whooshwhooshes his way into Amy and Rory’s living room right after their -ahem- and Amy immediately comes on to The Doctor. Rory is having none of that (as he should) and The Doctor stands around holding a bowl of fish fingers and custard. I would love to have been in the room when these actors, who I assume have never seen an episode of Doctor Who, read the script and witnessed their confusion to everything that happens in this porn.

What’s so wonderful about this scene is the writers have nailed the dynamic between Amy, Rory, and the Doctor. Amy’s crush, Rory’s defensiveness, and The Doctor’s obliviousness. Turns out, The Doctor is there to warn them about the CyberSemen, but it’s too late! Amy and Rory have turned into CyberSemen! The Doctor runs back into the TARDIS and guess who’s there? River Song -er- Dong. As they enter the TARDIS she compares it to a vagina. You know, smaller on the outside, larger on the inside. I am embarrassed. River has come from the future, four days from now, and the CyberSemen are winning. She tells the Doctor it was something he did (turns out he slept with a CyberSemen and caught a cyber-sti? Or something?), but no time for finding solutions. Only time for banging! Also, no beds in the TARDIS, only sleeping bags and uncomfortable-looking chairs.

Were I to deconstruct the character portrayal in this scene, I’d say the actress playing River had never seen an episode of Doctor Who and was told to say “spoilers” while wearing a silly wig. Which is such a bummer considering the actors playing Amy and Rory did an astounding job.

Part 3

Finally, some Tenth Doctor and Rose! Part three opens three-billion years in the future (and one Doctor back “it’ll make sense later”) with a Tennant-y actor and Rose on a platform watching planet Queef as it prepares to queef. I don’t...uh...then, an actor wearing a vagina costume walks up, introduces itself by queefing. Turns out it’s the ambassador to planet Queef, and Rose, who makes a fart noise with her mouth, offends it. The CGI planet then proceeds to queefsplode and I literally cannot believe I am typing all of these words. Rose comments that it’s kind of romantic, and The Doctor comments that, “...a giant, fiery vagina always gets my space gonads rumbling.” Honestly, this is the only pairing I was super excited for and part three literally contributes nothing to the plot.

Part 4

At last, our titular tale reaches it’s climax (I see what I did there too, and I’m really sorry about it). Picking up after the dramatic “To Be Continued’ from part three -I forgot to mention afterwards Rose said she felt funny and then we heard a TARDIS whooshwhooshing in- part four opens at the beginning of part one. The CyberSemen have trapped Martha Jones, who comments that her cell is creepy like a Robin Thicke album. The CyberSemen are the best part of this parody. They have the best awkward and believable lines. Captain Jack Harkness (!) comes in to rescue Martha and all the CyberSemen (“Frank! Jeff! Steve!”) all shut down. The Tennant-y Doctor comes in to help the Smith-y Doctor and the plan is revealed. The Doctor went back in time and uploaded the contracted cyber-sti to the CyberSemen and I guess everything works out except when the Tennant-y Doctor gets shot. There is an epic five minute shoot out when Martha and Jack storm in to help after the Smith-y Doctor gets shot. Part four has so many awesome one-liners I don’t want to write them all here because you kind of just need to see it. Martha freaks out over The Doctor’s death (of course she would, Martha) but a newly regenerated Doctor walks into the TARDIS--and it’s a lady of color. “Why would they miss the opportunity to cast a woman or a person of color to properly reflect...” is best quote of this impeccably self-aware porn. Proceed to threeway between new lady Doctor, Captain Jack and Martha. Unfortunately, the lady Doctor wears the fez and bowtie and ruins everything.

Overall, I’d say Lee Roy Myers delivered a porn parody worthy for it’s fandom. It’s this writing and these character dynamics I wish I could see in the actual show. Could you imagine if Steven Moffat wrote porn?


Rebecca “Sweetiebot” Frost is the dopest ladygeek in town. She enjoys flipping through comic books and button mashing her way through video games, though watching TV and reviewing it into oblivion is her strongest skill. She is a taurus and is therefore stubborn and enjoys shiny things. You can listen to her rabble on at www.hellosweetiepodcast.com.

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Tags: Doctor Whore , Porn Parody , Doctor Who , WoodRocket