“American Horror Story: Freak Show” Episode 4.9, “Tupperware Party Massacre;” Starring Jessica Lange, Evan Peters, Finn Wittrock, and Sarah Paulson; Written by Brad Falchuk; Directed by Loni Peristere.
Co-conspirator Brad Falchuk took the helm to follow up Ryan Murphy’s actually-kinda-decent script last week, and even though if asked “what’s this show about?” I’d still answer “um, German Jessica Lange may or may not love human oddities and also rich sociopath,” this episode was kind of fun. If we’re going by the AHS definition of “fun,” that is.
The show opened with Dandy receiving the worst psychic reading I have ever witnessed, and for such a smart dude he’s really gullible. Although I guess that those such as Dandy that are completely lacking in human connection and any kind of remorse tend to believe only what they want to hear. So I guess it was actually really smart. Poor little Maggie failed to place Dandy’s familiar voice as that of the murderer in the woods. I call her “poor little Maggie” because I assure you she’s going to end up in the bathwater.
We’re ushered into the carnival, wherein Jimmy and Barbara/Ima are enjoying a dessert, and here’s where I have my first genuine problem of the season. I mean, like, other than the shitty writing, planning, and all the songs. I mean like a real problem. The show had thus far done a commendable job of representing the side show performers. None were fetishized (those who were sexualized were done of their own choosing, and even Dandy didn’t want the twins as sexual objects), none were martyred, and while some scenes garnered pity for our freaks, it was done in a past tense form and utilized to show that most had overcome the tragedies of their pre-carnival lives.
And then came Barbara. All sideshows had a Fat Lady back in the day, and we can decry that tradition all we want but until shows like “My 600 Pound Life” are removed from television, I will holler “FAT PEOPLE AREN’T FREAKS” with all my might. Fat is an adjective but one that should be free of insult – it is simply a state of being and does not determine worth, and certainly should not be observed like some alien status worthy of pity or scorn. Hmm, I ranted a bit there. But that is indeed why I find Barbara/Ima to be so concerning – with all the dignity afforded to all the other “freaks,” her sole purpose seems to be the vehicle to demonstrate how broken Jimmy is. “Oh man Jimmy’ so messed up he’s fucking that fat chick!” Because apparently that’s gross and weird? What. The hell. It’s deplorable, and completely inconsistent with the message, however flimsy, the show has been teasing for eight episodes.
So then Theo Huxtable showed up, spoke like two lines, Desiree mentioned he’s her beau, and then never mentioned again. So that’s weird.
And then some lady was talking about swallowing at a dildohands party and Jimmy had this messed up hallucination. So that was weird, too. Sidebar: I’m betting that Standards and Practices vetoed “Dildohands Party Massacre” as an episode title, which is just criminal. After Jimmy’s drunken departure, Dandy showed up and through an off camera event created one of the most beautiful visuals of the entire show: Sadly, all our partygoers were slaughtered and left in the indoor pool. But the beauty and shimmer of a pink and bright Christmas in 1950’s Florida juxtaposed with five housewives in a crimson swimming pool was breathtaking. Dandy probably swam around in that a little bit because he’s totally into that now.
Stanley and Elsa discovered the location of the twins, but then left them in a shack to await the “doctor” who will come to separate them. Elsa spoke a bit but I don’t remember any of it because I was mesmerized by how completely fabulous her sunglasses were. The doctor, by the way, is totally a hooker that Stanley McMysterycrotch hired to pose as the savior that will allow Dot and Bette to have a normal life. But after their departure, Dot and Bette had a heart to, um, well, heart I guess, in a scene that allowed Sarah Paulson to earn her place among the AHS Goddess pantheon. She’s always been good, but her solo-ish scene tonight was so good it was almost easy to forget it was one actress. If I can party-poop a little, though, it finally occurred to me that the angle gimmick that’s been utilized for the twins all season is not so much a style choice as a way to avoid too many FX shots. Which I guess I get, TV budget and all, but it just arbitrarily bothered me tonight. The twins decide to remain joined, however, and Dot declares her love for Jimmy. Sadly he can’t reciprocate, because he’s in love with another.
Back at Chez Applesauce, Dandy confesses his sins to Regina, who is 4000% done with this bullshit. She returns with the police, but things don’t work out so well. The end result was a scene so shocking and perfect I won’t even spoil it here. But I will say that it would definitely go on a list of my top five AHS moments ever.
Before Dell tries to hang himself because he’s ashamed of how much he digs the D, he has a confrontation with Stanley and the mystery of the crotch is finally solved. Turns out it’s just a giant weiner, which – not gonna lie – was super disappointing. When Stanley reached into his fly, I was totally hoping he would pull out, like, a trout, or maybe a parasitic twin. I also hoped said twin would speak in a perfect baritone and just say “hey dude,” or “he puts me in butts and I pray for death nightly.” Maybe with a British accent. But no, apparently it’s just a mega-weiner because the camera cut away and then Stanley just smacked the mega-weiner on his tummy a lot while talking to Dell. And then Dell tried to write a suicide note and hang himself, but he also had some hallucinations and then Desiree came in at the nick of time and saved him.
And speaking of all these hallucinations… Do you remember all of Ryan Murphy’s claims that the dead don’t come back this season? Well Murphy sits on a throne of lies because all these dead people keep popping up in some weird ass maternal visions and I just don’t even know what’s going on.
I did indeed have a good time watching this episode (and yay for two weeks with no musical number), but I really still need some sort of advancement towards a point. The season has been just a series of sexy times and murder times, and all I walked away with tonight were some awesome ideas for punk band names. A-like so:
- Fake Hooker Doctor
- Dandy’s Butt
- Theo Huxtable and the Gender Benders
- Mega-Weiner and the Tummy Slaps
- Drunk! At the Dildo Party
And for my acoustic black metal project: Applesauce Family Murder Tub.
This might be the season that crushes my spirit.