A guest post from, Nothatsoktron on...
How the Original Super Smash Bros. Are Basically The Avengers Waiting to Happen
Ah, nostalgia. One inhale across the surface of my Nintendo 64 and I’m transported back to those glorious times in junior high, hours spent honing my skill on the plains of Hyrule. Stale cherry Pop-tarts, that’s the scent.
Like any prepubescent halfling of the early 2000s, I spent just as many hours sharpening my fighting skill against computerized players in Super Smash Bros. I was damn good at it, too. These days are more or less the same except that my boss-battling has been replaced with boss-avoiding and catching up on geekery on my breaks... a lot of which is centered around the magnificent world called the Marvel Universe. I thank several deities every day that I am alive in an era where Stan Lee and ass-kicking CGI exist at the same time. Upon my eighth or eleventh viewing of The Avengers, however, I noticed some distinct familiarities in the characters, almost... almost as if Nintendo was warning us years in advance of what would consume our world in days to come. Not that anyone is really complaining. Details of my vigorous research follow below.
For sake of not being lame, I’m going to exclude any Super Smash Bro that gives me the impression that they are made purely out of fruit-snack material. Kirby? Jigglypuff? Yoshi? Give me a break. The worst fighting they’ve ever done is in my stomach between the Capri Sun and Lunchable crackers at recess. Ness? You can be paired with Scarlet Witch, maybe. I’m still confused about what her powers even are so I’ll get back to you. They look kind of magic-y and dumb, though, so you might be a match.
SAMUS AND IRON MAN
Don’t tell me you didn’t notice this already. Do you want to know how many Iron Man and Metroid crossover shirts I own? Do you? It’s five. Anyway, we know that Tony Stark had to take some Chozo engineering course while studying at MIT, just look at that sleek design! Hell, even the color scheme is enough of a nod towards Nintendo’s golden age to make the connection. And we all know hidden behind that visor there is a genius in Samus as well, seeing as she deciphers and defeats entire subterranean alien bases alone without so much as a single fuck given. If Samus could stand to be in a room with Tony for more than a few pickup lines, I bet their conversations would just be fantastic. “One bomb is all it took to stop your alien invasion? How cute!”
CAPTAIN FALCON AND CAPTAIN AMERICA
They’re both captains, and they both took forever to unlock. Unfreeze, whatever. And just look at Captain Falcon, you know? He’s clearly a good-ol’-boy who can fight but still thinks he can just walk in and be the voice of authority what with his little catch-phrases and all. Yeah, nice of you to show up, Cap,you adorable dweeb. Gotta hand it to him, though, most of his moves are bereft of any weapons or magic to speak of, much like the fighting style of Mr. Rogers. No, not that Mr. Rog- well, wait a minute. A morally-bound sweater-wearing square with retired Navy SEAL rumors floating around his sweetly smiling head? Will we ever know?
LINK AND HAWKEYE
We’re going to go ahead and assume Link’s archery skills match those of Hawkeye, mostly based on my own scores on the Gerudo shooting range where I not only earned a sweet-ass quiver but also (probably) a date with that babe at the counter. Generally silent and a brief stint with some circus-related activities, it’s just obvious that someone with a multitude of ways to kill an enemy would end up as a sharp-eyed assassin.
STARFOX AND BLACK WIDOW
This one should be apparent from the home screen of the game in which choosing Fox prompts him to roll his eyes and dismiss you with a “hmph” before your silly little, um, battlebegins. Like the flawlessly skilled Romanov, you’ll have access to an arsenal of smooth ju-jitsu moves and sneak attacks, pulling out concealed handguns and randomly accessing fighter jets (of which you are expertly trained to kick ass with) in order to really, really make your opponents hate you. Lest we forget in our game of comparisons that Natasha is, of course, a stone-cold fox.
DONKEY KONG AND THE HULK
Duh. The gigantic, ill-tempered and easily-duped monkey is a nod towards the gigantic, ill-tempered and easily-duped (apologies, Dr. Banner), uh... green guy. Actually, it’s too bad that the Smash Bros world didn’t keep things canon with Thor’s enchanted Mjölnir, because anyone will tell you that the game was just fucking lost when Donkey Kong got ahold of that damn sledgehammer. You’re realproud of that mere 4% damage five minutes into the game, aren’t you? BAM. Kong Smash. Sure, try lingering on the resurrection platform... he’ll be waiting when you come down.
LUIGI AND LOKI
Okay, okay, Loki’s not an Avenger. He should be though. He needs to sort out his shit and join SHIELD like any self-respecting superhuman should, if not purely for the 401K benefits. But really, just look at the two of these guys... the lean, overshadowed brothers of less-cool counterparts, frequently burdened with bailing out said siblings, better skillset overall, green, they have names that start with ‘L’ and end with ‘I’... I’m telling you, it’s just a matter of bonus rounds before Luigi damns it all to hell and starts rigging every go-kart with mind-controlling bob-ombs. Probably in better fashion than overalls, too.
MARIO AND NICK FURY
Yeah, so Fury isn’t actually an Avenger either, I get it. I also want to make it inherently clear, I think Mario is a total asshole and a puny fighter. You know that adorable girl in high school that had a boyfriend and then the biggest sqweeb in the grade asked her to prom, like, five months in advance? And her parents made her humor the kid and go with him? That’s Mario. However, I’ll pretend Mario is cooler than all that for the sake of Fury. Mario is still kind of the host of this mess (would these heroes even know of each other’s existence if this world-hopper didn’t collect them to fight? The BrosInitiative?) and he likes to hang back and let the taller, prettier heroes do most of the work. You can bet he’ll show up in all his glory at the end of the battle, though (probably after nursing some debilitating injury like getting shot three times or stepping on a turtle), waiting to take way more credit than deserved for helping. Whatever, though. Just bring your giant floating battleships, guys, and we’ll call it even.
PIKACHU... AND THOR
Hahaha. Haaahahahahahahaha. Hahahahahaha.
C. Matthews A.K.A. Nothatsoktron is a grown up musician for hire and has a Super Metroid clear time of under 3 hours.