I think people assume I watch a lot of television. I don’t, really. I have four or five shows that I have to watch, and will admit to a decent amount of binge-watching during the off season. I’m definitely more of a movie gal, so of course I thought it would be awesome for me to present the fall schedule for network television’s 2015 season for your perusal. I don’t know a lot of these shows, but this was wicked fun to compile. If you’re in the mood for a highly editorialized and largely uninformative summary of each show you’re on the right website for sure. New shows are italicized, “TV” should always be read with the emphasis on the “T,” and all times are EST.
CBS
September 8:
- “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” – the season kicks off with healthy potential, as Colbert takes over desk duties at “The Late Show.” His guests? George Clooney, Jeb Bush, and John Batiste, who will take over as the show’s band leader.
September 21:
- 8 pm – “The Big Bang Theory,” season nine. The show will temporarily air on Monday during football season. But I don’t like this show, so who cares.
- 8:30 pm – “Life in Pieces.” This is a comedy told through the separate stories of different family members, it sounds really unnecessary, but Colin Hanks, Dianne Wiest, and Betsy Brandt are in it so who knows.
- 9 pm – “Scorpion,” season two. This looks like something I might enjoy, but I’ve never heard one person say anything about it. Super genius crime solving and what not.
- 10 pm – “NCIS: LA,” season seven. Seriously?
September 22:
- 8 pm – “NCIS,” season 13. My mom always thought Mark Harmon was super hot.
- 9 pm – “NCIS: New Orleans,” season two. You know what I miss? I kind of loved it because it kind of like knew it was bad, but didn’t care? “CSI: Miami.” Whoops wrong acronym. Whatever, David Caruso is a national treasure.
- 10 pm – “Limitless,” premiere. One of two new shows based on films this season. I never saw the movie, but apparently it’s about a dude who gains the ability to use all of his brain.
September 23:
- 8 pm – “Survivor,” season way too damn many. Never seen one episode.
September 25:
- 8 pm – “The Amazing Race.” See above. I really don’t like reality TV, friends and neighbors.
- 9 pm – “Hawaii Five-0,” season six. Really? This has been on for six years? Oh man! I just got it! Five-0, because they’re cops!
- 10 pm – “Blue Bloods,” season six. Again with the shows that have been on for six years. I swear to God I didn’t even know this was a thing. But my mom also had a giant crush on Tom Selleck, and also Donnie Wahlberg is in this? I might have to watch an episode just out of curiosity.
September 27:
- 7 pm – “60 Minutes,” season 47. Holy shit, season 47. I wonder at what age I will start watching this show.
- 9 pm – “CSI: Crime Scene Investigation,” season… Well this is kind of confusing. Season 15? OH! Apparently this is the series finale. So it’s actually the final episode of last season’s arc and still counts as season 15. I smell a crossover. Also “Marg Helgenberger” is just the best name ever.
September 30:
- 9 pm – “Criminal Minds,” season eleven. OK this is just getting ridiculous. CSI, NCIS, Criminal Minds, there are to many “c” things going on here and I can’t keep track. Is this the one with Shemar? And the hot dorky guy that voiced a chipmunk?
- 10 pm – “Code Black.” Yet another hospital drama, this time set in an LA county hospital ER. Cops and hospitals, cops and hospitals, it never ends. But I would be lying if I said I won’t watch this, because damn I’m a sucker for a hospital drama.
October 4:
- 8 pm – “Madam Secretary,” season two. I feel like I should appreciate that this show exists. Tea Leoni plays Secretary of State (natch) and has struggles both personal and national, I’m sure.
- 9 pm – The Good Wife,” season seven. I know a lot of people with trusted opinions that love this show. I myself have never seen it, and have yet to even queue it for a test run because I am a terrible American. I do loves me some Julianna Marguiles, though.
- 10 pm – “CSI: Cyber.” NUH-UH. That’s a fake show, right? That’s gotta be fake. Oh, well, nope, this is season two. With Patricia Arquette. She knows she won an Oscar, right? Well, I won’t even be checking this one out…. *puts sunglasses on* … on the internet. (you know you want to click this)
October 26:
- 8:30 – “Supergirl,” premiere. I am hesitantly excited about this. The trailer is stellar, and it looks like it might have the right tone; one that’s more “The Flash” than “Gotham.” DC tends to play much better on television when it’s not so damn dark. The show premieres here but will switch to its regular time slot on –
November 2:
- 8 pm – “Supergirl.” I just didn’t want to break format.
November 5:
- 8 pm – “The Big Bang Theory” moves to its regular Thursday spot. I still don’t like this show, but Mayim Bialik is damn funny so if you want to send me funny clips of her performance I’m totally down with that.
- 8:30 pm – “Life in Pieces” also moves to a regular Thursday position.
- 9 pm – “Mom,” season three. Anna Farris is a delight but I still have zero interest in the mother/grandmother sitcom.
- 9:30 pm – “Angel From Hell,” premiere. Wow. “Alison isn’t sure if her new friend, Amy, is her guardian angel or a crazy person.” Jane Lynch is normally in the Fart on a Snare Drum club but this does not look promising. Who knows, though. I bet “Wonderfalls” looked idiotic on paper but that show was a goddamn delight so maybe this will be groundbreaking.
- 10 pm – “Elementary,” season 4. Sherlock with a gender-swap Watson. I’ve watched episodes and enjoyed them, but it gets a little redundant. Great casting though!
NBC
September 15:
- 10 pm – “Best Time Ever with Neil Patrick Harris,” premiere. Yeesh. NPH is normally in the aforementioned FoaSD club, but I’m not going to watch this unless a really super smart person that I absolutely love tells me it’s mindblowing.
September 21:
- 8 pm – “The Voice,” season nine. Does this bullshit have like four seasons per year?
- 10 pm – “Blindspot,” premiere. Jaime Alexander plays a chick who appears in Times Square naked, with no memory, and covered in tattoos. I am in fact a sucker for chicks that kick ass, and I really liked “Memento,” so what the hell. I might give this one a go.
September 23:
- 8 pm – “The Mysteries of Laura,” season two. Debra Messing plays a lady cop who could have just been a cop but instead she collars perps while dealing with twin kids and a shitty ex-husband and I could not be less interested.
- 9 pm – “Law & Order: SVU,” season 17. Here’s a confession that will erase any semblance of credibility when I whine about all the cop-show franchises: I binge watched 16 seasons of this show in ten weeks this summer and loved every minute of it and when season 17 premieres I will be there eating snacks and wearing an Olivia Benson wig while playing my SVU drinking game. Probably alone.
September 24:
- 8 pm – “Heroes Reborn,” premiere. Which premiere has me most excited this year? This guy right here. Team HRG all the way, yo.
- 9 pm – “The Blacklist,” season three. I watched the pilot on Netflix tonight and had a really hard time paying attention, but I really like James Spader so maybe someday I’ll watch? I don’t know, it’s another crime drama but with a deviant consultant twist.
- 10 pm – “The Player,” premiere. Wesley Snipes stars in “this action packed thriller” about high-stakes crime fighting. I’m literally just pursing my lips and shaking my head.
September 30:
- 10 pm – “Chicago PD,” season three. Do not care.
October 9:
- 8 pm – “Undateable,” season three. Is this funny? Even though it seems like a played out trope it looks like it could be funny.
October 13:
- 10 pm – “Chicago Fire,” season I DON’T CARE.
October 16:
- 8:30 pm – “Truth be Told,” premiere. This was originally going to be called “People are Talking,” and it’s about two presumably wacky couples. Remember “Selfie”? And how it started kind of week but then turned into a well-acted, modern interpretation of “My Fair Lady” and got cancelled? Yeah I kind of miss that show.
October 30:
- 9 pm – “Grimm,” season five. In theory I love this show. In reality I never made it past the pilot. Fun move, starting the season on October 30th, though.
November 10:
- 10 pm – “Chicago Med,” premiere. Seriously? I liked it better the first time when it was called “E.R.” and I fell in love with a depressed nurse and a timid intern. I will, however, watch the first episode long enough to scream “salad shooter” when Oliver Platt appears, and then I will turn it off.
FOX
September 20:
- 8 pm – The Emmys. Does this count? Andy Samberg is hosting, which is gonna go epic either way.
September 21:
- 8 pm – “Gotham,” season two. I am nowhere near in love with this show, but I will keep watching because I really want to be. Also there wasn’t anything on Monday nights last year and I like watching TV on Monday night.
- 9 pm – “Minority Report,” premiere. The second of two film-based series this season. This one takes place ten years after the film of the same name, and I will probably watch it because I will be too lazy to reach the clicker on the coffee table after “Gotham.”
September 22:
- 8 pm – “Scream Queens,” premiere. You guys know I’m going to get stuck reviewing this horse shit, right? And God help me if its season overlaps that of “American Horror Story” because if it does this might be the year I go full blown insane. You know, it’s kind of my “thing” to hate on AHS (but also I really kind of hate it), but I hesitantly have hope for this show. I think Ryan Murphy stuff works a lot better when it is aware of its own camp (see season one of “Glee,”) and this one seems like it might be a lot more wink-wink-nudge-nudge than AHS. So fingers crossed.
September 23:
- 8 pm – “Rosewood,” premiere. “Miami pathologist, Dr. Beaumont Rosewood, Jr., finds secrets in people’s bodies using his state-of-the-art laboratory equipment.” “Hannibal” got cancelled. “Hannibal.” Got. Cancelled. I’m just going to leave that here, at the end of my summary of yet another medical crime solving drama.
- 9 pm – “Empire,” season two. OK, no really, I know I need to watch this one. No joking this time.
September 27:
- 7:30 pm – “Bob’s Burgers,” season six. This is a consistently hilarious show and I will watch the crap out of it.
- 8 pm – The Simpsons,” season 28. 28! I stopped watching this show without ever realizing that I stopped watching.
- 8:30 pm – “Brooklyn Nine-Nine,” season three. Easily gets my vote for the best sitcom on the air right now. I remember watching the pilot and thinking “Wow, this is not good,” but on the recommendation of a pal went back to it. I’m very glad I did.
- 9 pm – “Family Guy,” season 14. Nobody says “giggity” anymore and that really tells me all I need to know.
- 9:30 pm – “Last Man on Earth,” season two. And as a matter of fact, Will Forte gets my vote for one of the funniest human beings on the planet.
September 29:
- 8 pm – “Grandfathered,” premiere. Starring John Stamos and Josh Peck. I went to high school with a kid named Josh Peck. Probably not the same guy. “A confirmed bachelor finds out he’s a father… And a grandfather.” Survey says? No. The survey says “no.”
- 8:30 pm – “The Grinder,” premiere. Rob Lowe stars as an actor who played a lawyer who for some reason is now running his family’s law firm. Under normal circumstances this would be a hard pass, but Rob Lowe was wonderful on “Parks and Recreation” so I will give it a couple episodes.
- 9 pm – “Scream Queens” arrives at its regular time slot.
ABC
September 21:
- 10 pm – “Castle,” season eight. I really like Nathan Fillion. I’m sorry I’ve never watched your show, Nathan Fillion.
September 22:
- 8 pm – “The Muppets.” I have a Muppet sleeve. I have spent copious amounts of money to have images of the Muppets permanently seared into my flesh. To say that I have high hopes for this show would be a gross understatement.
- 8:30 pm – “Fresh Off the Boat,” season two. I watched a bit of this on Hulu. It’s funny, but never earned an “oooooh, ‘Fresh Off the Boat’ is on tonight!”
- 9 pm – “Dancing with the Stars,” season – wait, season 21?!!? The hell? One time I watched this show to see Kelly Osbourne dance and I don’t even really know why because I never watched their show or was a fan but I just wanted to see it and she did a waltz and it was glorious and Sharon and Ozzy sat in the audience and just beamed like the proudest parents ever and I honestly misted up a little bit. And then I never watched it again. Oh, that’s a lie. I watched Carlton do the Carlton.
September 23:
- 8 pm – “The Middle,” season seven. I really like that weird kid that whispers a repeat of the last word of his sentences but I just can’t get behind the “doofus dad/bitchy wife” premise anymore.
- 8:30 pm = “The Goldbergs,” season three. Because the 80’s are hip again.
- 9 pm – “Modern Family,” season seven. Again with the doofus dad and bitchy wife, but I have to admit that when I catch this in syndication I have, on occasion, laughed my ass off.
- 9:30 pm – “Black-ish,” season two. Another one that I find funny, but still don’t feel compelled to watch it. I did get into a yelling argument with my dad when he scoffed at a show called “Black-ish,” though, so there’s that.
- 10 pm – “Nashville,” season four. Connie Britton has great hair, yeah? That’s all I got.
September 24:
- 9 pm – “Scandal,” season five. I absolutely acknowledge that I should at least try to watch this show. And one day I will.
- 10 pm – “How to Get Away with Murder,” season two. I know that this show is the modern equivalent of a pulpy potboiler and MAN I do not care because this show is so fun to watch. Viola Davis is a powerhouse even swimming through material that is such a loose interpretation of law school that even I know it’s a farce. But it’s so fun!
September 25:
- 8 pm – “Last Man Standing,” season five. Tim Allen has apparently been back on television for five years. I had no idea. But Nancy Allen is in this, and now I really want to watch “So I Married an Axe Murderer.” Or “Becker”! Why can I not legally stream “Becker” anywhere?
- 9 pm = “Shark Tank,” season NOPE.
September 27:
- “Once Upon a Time,” season five. Damn I want to like this show. I love Disney, I love fairy tales, I love Jane Espensen from the bottom of my cold black little heart. But I swear every time I sit and try to watch this, at the end of the hour I just stare at the screen and whisper “what the fuck was that?”
- 9 pm – “Blood and Oil,” premiere. Don Johnson (you heard me) stars in this drama about a couple looking to cash in on the modern oil boom in North Dakota. So, “Dallas,” but not as cool? Because nothing can ever be as cool as the original “Dallas” and I will fight you on that. J.R. Ewing, TV’s greatest villain? Discuss.
- 10 pm – “Quantico,” premiere. Here’s how this pitch went down: “A show about law students did gangbusters last year. Let’s do that only different.” “Uuuuuuhhhhhhh, FBI school instead of law school?” “SOLD.” Yeah I will probably watch it.
September 29:
- 9 pm – “Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.,” season three. *ahem* YAAAAY!!! I know this is not the best comic adaptation on television, but it’s my favorite. It’s always fun for me, and that’s what I prefer in my TV these days.
- 10 pm – “Beyond the Tank,” premiere. This, hand to God, is a show about what happens after the deals on “Shark Tank.” “Hannibal.” Got cancelled.
October 2:
- 8:30 pm – “Dr. Ken,” premiere. I love Ken Jeong but this will probably be not good. “A frustrated doctor juggles his career, marriage, and family.” Yikes. But it’s got a Friday night slot so it probably won’t last anyway.
October 27:
- 10 pm – “Wicked City,” premiere. “A pair of LA detectives track down serial killers terrorizing the Sunset Strip.” Hm. Killers. Plural. So, like, is it always going to be about serial killers or is the first arc about a serial killer team? Actually you know what it’s another cop drama so I give zero shits no matter what decade the show is set in. I normally would not end in a preposition but it’s 1:20 am.
And we close with…
The CW
October 6:
- 8 pm – “The Flash,” season two. THIS is the best comic adaptation on television right now. Hands down. It’s fun, cohesive, has great style (I almost wrote “flashy” but deleted it, you’re welcome), and a great cast. And it will also be on opposite “The Muppets,” which will definitely present a problem for me.
- 9 pm – “iZombie,” season two. Anybody want to buy a first edition number one? Message me on the twitters. Oh also I have not watched this.
October 7:
- 8 pm – “Arrow,” season four. It took me a few tries to get into this one, but once I did I gobbled up all three seasons. Felicity Smoak is one of my favorite characters on the air right now.
- 9 pm – “Supernatural,” season eleven. Man. Season eleven. You all know I love this show, right? I love it, but I also hold it accountable and never hesitate to call out when it’s not up to my standards. That being said, I’m really happy it’s made it to season eleven, but I fear I am not looking forward to my weekly reviews. I hope I’m wrong.
October 8:
- 8 pm – “The Vampire Diaries,” season seven. The people on this show are so attractive they’re almost unattractive. I’ve never watched it.
- 9 pm – “The Originals,” season three. Nope, never seen this one, either. Is this a TVD prequel, maybe?
October 9:
- 8 pm – “Reign,” season three. I bet the costumes on this show are really pretty.
October 19:
- 8 pm – “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend,” premiere. This is the CW’s only fall premiere. “A young woman abandons a choice job at a law firm and her life in New York in an attempt to find love in the unlikely locale of West Covina, CA.” That summary is quite literally the only thing I know about this show, but if that’s all I’ve got to go on, this sounds bad. Almost offensively bad.
- 9 pm – “Jane the Virgin,” season two. Television opens its arms to welcome back what is apparently the greatest thing to ever happen to the medium. OK, I exaggerate, but this show gets a heck of a lot of praise and I think that’s neat. One day I will check it out.
And that concludes my snarky network premiere schedule! I omitted the cable stuff because quite frankly their schedules are wonky, and I think I’m cutting my cord after the “Doctor Who” (September 19!!) premiere anyway. What are you most excited to watch? Did I snark too hard on one of your faves? Convert me in the comments below, and make sure to check in with BSR for weekly reviews of many of the aforementioned programs.