Archive for the ‘Movie's You Don't Have To Watch’ Category

Hello everyone, here we are again at the Tee with Doctor Cyborg. In which I take time out of my busy golf schedule to talk to you about whatever I feel like, while golfing at a slightly reduced pace, alongside my faithful caddy Slugtron! Today we will be doing some holiday golfing, and talking about Robert Zemeckis’ new film A Chrismas Carol. So pour yourself some Homemade Eggnog (12 eggs, 3 pints heavy cream, 1 cup sugar, nutmeg, 1 cup bourbon whiskey, 1 cup cognac, 1/2 tsp salt. Serve in a punch bowl) and lets go golfing!

The biggest question I had to ask myself when going to see a remake of this classic story was, why? And to be perfectly honest I don’t know if there’s a good answer. Beowulf, Zemeckis’ last film made sense to me, and I thought it turned out really good. (It did have Neil Gaiman attached to the script after all) Beowulf is a classic story, but popular culture has yet to be flooded with its presence, and therefore I thought it was a good choice.

The Christmas Carol story is admittedly amazing, but it has been told so many times, and told well most of the time. Including the book itself which is still highly accessible and readable. But that doesn’t make this movie a mistake outright. This is a cartoon, making it easy to take kids to, and it’s also a more classic interpretation of the story, which isn’t predominant most of the times I’ve seen it told. Therefore it does have some value, but on “Par” with Tim Burton’s recant of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

“Slugtron, the nine iron you idiot! I’m trying to kill a reindeer not an infant! “

eh, where was I? Oh yeah…The next question I was asking myself was, Jim Carey? followed by. Really? And I went in with a bad attitude because I didn’t get it. But honestly he wasn’t over playing the role, there were a few moments that I was annoyed with his face as The Ghost of Christmas Past, but he really wasn’t that much of a ham. He didn’t ruin the movie. The movie wasn’t even really that funny, I think it focused mostly on telling the story visually, and carefully. Which I think are some of Zemeckis’ best strengths. But not ruining a movie isn’t a good reason to cast someone. Jim Carey in multiple roles was definitely a mistake.

Because this movie was based in the 19th century, it lacked a certain…how should I say…robots! I find this highly disparaging. But it didn’t even try to make up for its lack of robots with its CG. I felt some of the scenery and shots were outstanding. I really thought the way they handled Marley (Gary Oldman) was awesome, but the scenes aiming to be 3-D roller coaster rides were out of place, and the character models really weren’t very good.

The models looked like they fell out of Girl Shrek’s vagina! -Slugtron

I will give them credit for mood though. The scenes that were supposed to be scary visually built the right mood. (I know because the human child I took to see it, began to cry because he was so scared! How’s that for proof?)

One thing that surprised me was with the way they did the modeling, It felt like you were looking at the characters faces, but  I could barely tell who the cameo roles were, though some of them did stand out. Bob Hoskins, Mr. Eddy Valiant was definitely an exception to the rule. (Man O’ man is he a good actor.)

Overall I felt that the movie stuck to telling a good story, kept it targeted for an appropriate age group, and didn’t break the boundaries at all. This is good if you are going to the theatre and want to play it safe. It also makes your film instantly forgettable. It was a slightly new take, but it was slight.

It did some things exceptionally, for example, using the fact that they were making a cartoon to there advantage. Some of the stuff they pulled off couldn’t have been done as well with live action. But some things weren’t awesome, for example, I know it’s a Christmas movie, but they were way to forceful with Christmas music. Honestly the story of A Christmas Carol works wonders without Christmas at all. In fact I prefer it when it’s left out, as in Ingmar Bergman’s Wild Strawberries. It tells a very similar tale, just not at Christmas.

Damn the eighteenth green already, I guess I better wrap it up. Basically it wasn’t horrible, if you are ever going to see it, make it be at the movie theatre. It’s a solid 6 out of 10. Jim Carey isn’t evil, he’s just an idiot.

Jared Hess, the director of “Napoleon Dynamite”, “Nacho Libre”, and the soon to be in theaters, “Gentlemen Broncos” is clearly one of us.  Complete with horn-rim glasses, nervous tics, a penchant for poopie jokes and hilariously dry wit, I think Jared Hess could easily be called a geeks director.  His movies are filled with characters like us, awkward, clumsy, and full of unwarranted confidence.  So it shouldn’t be surprising that I jumped at the chance to go to an advanced screening of the film last night.

Living in Salt Lake City, where the production of the film took place, I knew a few things about the movie to begin with; and it seemed like I was in for one helluva ride.  The opening credits came on, and in classic Hess fashion we were treated to various close-ups of kitschy sci-fi book covers with the actors and key crew members names as their titles.  “So far, so good” I thought.  Sadly, this is where the “good” ended, and for the rest of the movie (what seriously seemed like 3 hours or more) I was forced to sit through what felt like a high school students take on a Jared Hess movie.

This movie was absolutely terrible!  From the trailer, one would guess that “Gentlemen Broncos” is a film about a boy who gets his story stolen by reputable sci-fi (pardon me, syfy) writer, and then seeks revenge on his former literary idol.  And although that story is indeed told, Jared Hess has filled his movie with so many “oddball characters” and “hilarious” vignettes that I couldn’t help but wonder why he felt that making us watch the wacky hometown filmmaker Lonnie Donaho (clearly based on TERRIBLE local fimmaker Steven Groo), the go-nowhere love story between the main character and “some girl”, or the Mom’s wacky lingerie designs were more important than the main story.

I understand (and appreciate) that Jared Hess likes his wacky characters, but each character took so long for him to introduce and set up in the world of Gentlemen Broncos that he failed to make time in the movie to actually let the viewer care about any of them.  Sigh…I really am trying to write a professional review of this thing, but it is growing more and more difficult as this post goes on to not just scream “This movie was a total wreck of a film that I can’t believe didn’t go straight to DVD!”  Seriously, when your movie is “about” a kid and his (actually entertaining) short story “Yeast Lords” getting stolen by another writer, and you only devote a small portion of the film to scenes that actually develop your story…the viewer is only left to wonder “WTF”?!

Gentlemen Broncos is a film that is too boring to invest any more time thinking about, after exiting the theater I couldn’t help but feel completely frustrated and confused by what I had just seen.  “How did he make such a terrible mess?”  The concept was intriguing and the promise of seeing Sam Rockwell as a science fiction hero in the sci-fi sequences of the film was exciting, but this movie fails to deliver on every conceivable level.  The story went nowhere, the characters did nothing to drive the plot forward, and worst of all, I was bored to to death the entire time.  Not once did I feel entertained or amused during the course of the film.  I am definitely a fan of Jared Hess’ first two films and even went so far as to buy “Napoleon Dynamite” on DVD (my name is BUDGETron for a reason), but even I was left wondering who greenlit this mess of a movie.

Don’t go see Gentlemen Bronco’s.  Not even on DVD.

It was disclosed that Ivan Reitman would be attached to the upcoming Ghostbusters 3 project, but in what capacity? IMDB is listing him as a producer, but with no director attached yet, might he take up the mantle?

His involvement was first revealed by MTV in an interview here. Is this exciting news? Should Ivan Reitman take up the reigns and direct the third one? Or should he stick to crap (as opposed to crap sticking to him.) like My Super Ex-Girlfriend?

Personally I don’t  think they should give him another chance, in fact I wish that he weren’t even going to be attached as a producer. He is a no talent hack and has made far more bad films than good ones. Does everyone remember Junior? That was Ivan Reitman that did that to us.

A Big Idiot

I say the least they can do if he stays on the project, is make Megan Fox, or Angelina Jolie the new Janine.

The movie that I was asked when I’d get around to it. The movie that has stuck through a couple generations now as either fantastic or horrid… That’s right this week’s pic is Barbarella. Now prepare for a long review.

This movie has influenced CLAMP (manga), Duran Duran (If you haven’t heard of these guys shame on you.) A Lava lamp company, and various other people throughout the years. Duran Duran has to be the most well known. The Scientist Barbarella is sent to find is called Durand Durand.

I won’t lie to you, I like this movie. It was that forbidden bit of porn I was able to glimpse when I was a kid. And it spawned from a very early age my love of Red Headed women. I bought this on DVD recently and all these memories came back. Ten years old staying up late at night so I could watch Barbarella on Cable and keeping the sound low so my parents couldn’t hear.

Well having said I like it, I am going to be harsh on it. For its time it was ok. It did badly in the box office. The Budget for the film was 9 million and the gross from the box office was just over 600,000. Yeah… that’s nearly 18 times more expensive to make then it made. Now we will see why it failed.

Opening is a fully suited astronaut floating around a shag carpeted cockpit. If I ever have a spaceship it will not be carpeted let alone shag carpeted. She starts taking off her gloves and suit to some up beat music that reminds me of dancing through fields of wildflowers with those friends that never show up unless you are on acid. You know the ones… Jane Fonda looks like she’s drugged in this first part.  Now is one of two parts you will see that have nudity and I have to say, it’s not bad. For just a breast shot its nice

So apparently in the 40th century Humanity has become a bunch of pansies. Barbarella is shocked to learn that Durand Durand has created a Weapon. The Universe has been at peace for centuries. Great… peace is so boring. Her ship reminds me of a Pinewood derby car (scout reference). Ship’s computer is names Alphie, and she sleeps on a Mylar sheet. Fast forward 154 hours.

While some strange stuff happens outside their view window (Think the weirdest 60’s lava lamp you’ve ever seen… yeah… stranger then that) they crash land on the planet below.  The ship crashes into an ice part of the planet.  She exits the ship wearing something that anyone would freeze in. Two girls show up for no real reason and start speaking some made up language. They throw a snowball at her with a lump of crystal to knock her down. They tie up her hands and then they all go skiing with a massive brown stingray pulling them over the ice…. yeah… I’m confused also.

They take her to Durand Durand’s crashed ship. There are more children with bad hair that tie her to a post, They set down some dolls that walk towards her and bite her. I am sure this looked a lot better in the comic then it does on the screen. The Catch man comes and rescues her. Apparently he knows nothing. They catch the children and take them away to do service or some such. She’s hurt and he keeps saying he knows nothing. He has some kind of wheeled ice sailing vehicle. He want’s to make love to her and there’s something about a psycho-cardio gram that the catch man knows nothing about. There are some pills… yeah that will come in later. She’s a virgin and so is the entire Human race except the poor. No one has had sex in centuries.

The Catch man takes off his furs, or does he? He’s so hairy I am not sure when he’s naked and when he isn’t. It was good enough for Barbarella that she’s singing and can’t quite function. The Catch man says she can have some of his furs. She chooses some kind of messed up skunk creature. Her ship is fixed in reverse. She takes off then plummets into the planet underground. The stupid Catch man runs to the hole and shouts her name twice as if she can hear him.

She breaks through into a labyrinth, gets knocked out. Pygar says he is the last of the Orninthinthropes (Ornathropes?) stating there he’s not an Angel. Barbarella asks about Durand Durand and Pygar does not know of such things. No one on this planet knows anything! The Labyrinth is cool and freaky. People are half in the rock walls in odd combinations. Punishment for something done. These people eat Orchids which is an obvious call back to the Lotus eaters of north Africa. They say its because it amuses the tyrant to feed orchids to the slaves, I think its more of a way of pacifying the population.

The Black guard show up, Pygar shoots it and boom! It explodes into a thousand pieces. Its just the shell. So since Pygar saved her life of course she’s going to have sex with him in his nest. She’s singing again and rubbing herself with a large flight feather when suddenly Pygar regained the will to fly (but not act). They fly towards the dark city only they are going the wrong way. If you take a bell pepper and quarter it, then put two quarters on either side of a box that has two clear beehives on it, you have the enemy ships. They are all white and clear but it looks like one of the most messed up creations I have seen in decades.

They land and and enter the city. Two men attack them and are about to attempt to rape Barbarella when an eye patch wearing woman shows up, kills them, and calls her “pretty pretty”.  Barbarella runs off looking for Pygar and says a line which I think is suppose to be funny but i’m not sure. “What’s that screaming? A good many dramatic situations begin with screaming.” She finds him and they enter the Chamber of Ultimate Solution. Much better then the Room of Final Solution. Pretty much the same thing. Its a forerunner to a suicide booth. Choose one of three screaming ways to die or you’ll be given to the Matmos. That’s when Durand Durand shows up, no one knows its him. He explains that the Matmos is energy in liquid form that feeds on negative psychic vibrations or Evil.

She slides down a hole into another part of the city where the two ice girls are. The great Tyrant shows up and she has a clear horn she wears on her forehead. She’s the one eyed chick that saved her. Pygar is strung up and Barbarella grabs the gun she put in his loin cloth before. She takes the Tyrant hostage but she has no energy to fire it. They take her away and the Tyrant tries to seduce Pygar. “An Angel does not make love, an Angel is love.” But he said he’s not an Angel! The Tyrant tells her guards to take this winged fruitcake to the Matmos.

Enter the bird chamber. Barbarella is stuck inside and a hundred birds are let loose. They peck at her and so on. Seems a dumb way to die. More so when the Parakeets aren’t doing anything but flying and landing on her. She goes down another hole and shows up in the revolution headquarters. Dildo… no sorry Dildano is there who is the head of the revolution. Barbarella states that he’s saved her life. She wants Sex and he wants the pill form. She’s disappointed. They put one hand out and then something happens in which they achieve full rapport and look like deer caught in headlights. I have no idea what the hell is going on.

Her ship is repaired and she decides to go after the Black Queen (a.k.a. Great Tyrant) so that the revolutionists can take over. The password for their meeting is Handfirepuffkinvengoldichglobalvenclandilgogogo. What? The key to open the invisible wall is of course invisible. She goes up into the city again and there is more nudity. There is also a Huka that has a man swimming around in the water… people are taking hits of essence of man. Durand Durand shows up again and puts her in the Sexual Pleasure Torture Machine. As he plays various keys it takes off her clothing and gives her pleasure. Barbarella now is too much of a slut and the machine breaks before it kills her.

Durand Durand wants to kill the Queen so he can take over, he leads Barbarella to the Chamber of Dreams. Durand Durand locks her inside with the Queen who’s asleep. The Chamber is some strange kind of psychedelic place. They see that Durand Durand is about to be crowned but the Labyrinth people revolt. He uses the Positronic Ray to annihilate everyone including Dildano. The Queen frees the Matmos and it creates a bubble around Barbarella and the Queen because of Barbarella’s innocence… huh? Pygar gets spit out and takes Barbarella and the Queen back to the space ship, the one with the shag carpeted cockpit.

Barbarella – “Pygar, what did you save her (queen) for after all the terrible things she’s done to you?”
Pygar – “An Angel has no memory.”

He says it with a grin that basically announces he’s expecting a threesome.

So here comes the breakdown…

Cast – 7: Jane Fonda, Marcel Marceau, Milo O’Shea. A few people I know.
Plot – 2: Its more of a glorified soft core porn then anything
Action – 1: There is no real action that is worth mentioning
Effects – 2: For the 1960’s it was decent, for 2009 its horrible.
Music – 4: A couple catchy songs but nothing really worth listening to.
Final Score – 16

That’s right, Barbarella scored less then Cybernator. I still like it only because it was the forbidden fruit when I was ten and did not quite understand why I liked naked women so much. Its worth watching with a group of friends. I would never recommend that you watch it solo however. It has some great ideas that never seem to work out in the film.

The worse bit of news is that there is a remake in the works and Robert Rodriguez is going to direct it. He does mostly great work with the Mexico trilogy and Sin City… I hope to god he can do something great with this film.

There you have it, Barbarella… now you don’t have to watch it.

The world can be a dark and lonely place. Especially when the credits start at the beginning of a movie and there is bad music that is sounds as if its trying to make you think its going to be a great sci-fi movie for the 1960’s. Problem being that this weeks pick was done in 1992.

My first initial thought was the Terminator cybering online. After I delved into the depth of my soul to figure out why I would possibly think that I came to the conclusion that Japan’s influence in weirdness and bizarre culture has made me think in ways that I hope my children never experience. My second thought was that it was going to be a Terminator style rip off.

It starts out with two cyborgs running around all creepy like in the dark. Then they nod to each other and look at the camera. Cut to a room with a dresser and on the dresser are glass bricks. I like me a good glass brick but there are just too many for this first scene. Enter drunk middle age man and woman who looks like Cindy Lauper but not as cute. He’s a Senator… his wife is back in washington campaigning for MOOP (pronounced mop for anyone that cares) a.k.a. Mother’s Outraged Over Prostitution. Her Senator husband just hired a prostitute apparently. The Hooker spazzes out on the bed. Senator guy tries and mounts her and her throat has been cut so I figure she’s having nerve fires that causes her body to shake. I don’t know… What’s going on?

Enter the two Cyborgs from the opening. First lets call him Helmet, and the Second we will call him Rasta Man since the surgical tubing coming from his bald skull looks almost like the dreads that the twins had in Matrix Reloaded. Blonde is there also with a big rack and fingernails. Blonde kills the Senator. Cut to a city that tries to look Cyber Punkish like Blade Runner but fails horribly.

I have a problem with strippers. They never dance intoxicating enough. Its always shimmy shimmy girate grind shimmy grind. A friend of mine once danced to a Russian song with such grace and erotic qualities that I had trouble looking at her the same for days afterwards. That’s how these strippers should dance. A girl I once dated said “How you dance reflects how you are in the bedroom.” To which I honestly replied (the relationship was almost over anyway) “You must be an epileptic then.” That’s how this stripper that just came on screen dances.

Cut outside club, crickets chirp, token black man shows up. They flip to see who will pay to enter club, coin lands on a newspaper that states “Third Senator Assassinated.” They enter and they stand in front of an old 70’s style flagstone fireplace… wtf? I have that same fireplace at my home. Why would that be in a club? Nine minutes into the movie you see the Secret Service guarding stairs… I’m not sure what’s going on here at all. This club seriously looks like a High school Auditorium. The new girl on stage takes off her top and Yeah! Alright! Wooo! Wait…. damn you! She’s wearing pasties. This had the potential to be a bad movie, now its slipped into horrible.

Girl comes off stage, straddles who I assume is the main character. Token black guy sits down and talks to her. She responds by DIRECTLY looking into the camera even though he’s behind her to the left. Way to break the fourth wall! Ok Cyborgs go kill Secret Service. I see a fraction of a second of nippleage from a woman in bed with a guy. Cyborgs kill them also. Main character is doing summersaults down by the bar where there is NO ENEMY! They Cyborgs are upstairs. What the hell?!? There are machine gun sounds but laser blasts with a rifle and they are poor laser blasts.

At this point I realized I had to cut this down quite a bit or else It would be about six pages of review pointing out every flaw I can see with this movie. So from here on out is the condensed version.

Rasta man and another guy shoot someone who looks like Colonel Sanders in a business suit. Scientist chick has glasses I bet she’s cute… OH GOD! The glasses look like they were made for Andre the giant and on her head… ew… The army may have something to do with the Cyborgs. Scientist dude tells the cops to meet him. They are running late, hookers entice the scientist dude, he tells them to go away. Rasta man shows up and kills him. Cops run around the corner. I swear the token black guy is a freaking bullet magnet. This is their second combat engagement and he’s been shot twice now. Black guy dies. Rasta reports to his Commanding officer. Gives description of main cop. Crooked nose and blue eyes, so this the Colonel says “Of course, after all this time…” WTF? How are you suppose to identify someone off that description? I know two guys that have bent noses and blue eyes and they aren’t cops.

I would comment on the next forty minutes of the movie but all that really happens is speculation, lock picking, and speculation about assassinations. Oh and the main character is a Cyborg that doesn’t look like one and he’s ex army for some reason. He gears up in Boondock Saints style and heads out for the final showdown.

And this is where I 100% lost interest in this film. Remember my earlier comment about dancing? Well there is a woman attempting to do the same dance that my friend did. She has to weigh around 350lbs. I’m going to go into a corner and cry now. No woman that size should ever wear belly dancer clothing. You aren’t suppose to have a belly that dances in the opposite direction that you do. One guy looks at her like he is confused to why she even exists. No worries mate, I feel your confusion and pain. The really sad part is that her belly is covered by the thong that you could make a tent out of.

One Cyborg dies on an electric fence. Main guy breaks into a facility and I swear the silver beardless Ron Jeremy shows up with a camo shirt. Guy breaks his neck, uses his hand to access further parts of the facility. Door opening sound effect continues long after the door has closed. Main dude is trying to be sneaky but he’s acting more like he’s slow motion dancing. Enter Ninja Bot. And he gets shot with a shotgun… I wanted more there. There is a gun main guy is holding and the sight on the gun is just a pair of binocs painted black. That looks retarded! Rasta and he get into a fight with music that sounds like its from a bad 1990’s nintendo rpg. He pulls out Rasta’s tubes and the guy bleeds to death.

There is a showdown with the Colonel who is his brother. They talk, shots fired. There’s a struggle. Main guy shoves a pipe through him into a nuclear waste tank. More bad music. Colonel dies. Army Major and some doctor guy are talking on a couch. Tear gas, Bad language on mirror. Then it ends at near sunset with a car. Main guy and girl kiss. Then it ends… yeah… that makes a hell of a lot of sense.

So here comes the breakdown…

Cast – 5: William Smith plays Draaga in Justice League. That’s the only reason.
Plot – 3:  Story is not as bad as it could of been but its not good either.
Action – 4: Some good kicks delivered but nothing worth mentioning
Effects – 4: Squibs (blood packs) look good, regular gun effects look good. Lasers suck.
Music – 3: Decent enough to listen to when you are smoking a bong
Final Score – 19

19 out of a possible 50, not too bad really for a film like this. The only time I would recommend watching it is with a group of like minded or possibly intoxicated individuals. This would be a great one to make fun of. All in all its a bad movie.

There you have it, Cybernator… now you don’t have to watch it.

Every week round Thursday I will post a new review for a Movie you don’t have to watch. I take it upon myself to seek out the dredges and dark side of the movie making business and bring to light the ugliness with which they were created. Consider this a guide to the movies you shouldn’t ever watch. This week’s movie…

There comes a time in every man and woman’s life where they watch a B movie. Everyone has done it and some of us don’t want to admit to it. Some of them were passable and can be laughed at with a group of friends, some of them we cherish even though its still a poor movie, and yet others still we weep at the thought of ever having to watch them again. This is the story of one of those movies.

I was browsing the used movie racks at FYE and hopped into horror just to see what they had. This little gem caught my eye from the poster work and I decided that for five bucks I would buy it. My roommate had a laugh at the title and asked me to give him a shortened version of it later. So I went upstairs, played some warcraft then sat down to watch what I expected to be nice romp into some ludicrous black magic.

The film starts out simple enough, as was usual for a lot of movies in the 1970’s the credits roll first and there is a pair of eyes staring at you while some swirly psychedelic patterns twist around the eyes. There is bad electronic music playing and then after the credits finish it cuts to the Head witch Mara doing an incantation. There are women around and a guy strapped to the floor with small blood trails on his chest. Incantation finishes and women start dancing… not very well but I do like their costumes.

There’s this silent mountain man guy that just stands there and stares. The women grab fire pots and dance with them. There is a black guy beating on some drums that don’t match the poor electronic beats of the music. The women put the fire pots down, grab some spears and form in a circle around the guy. The mountain man says “Kill! Kill!” Mara the head witch puts a Kabuki looking mask over her face while they thrust down with the spears. She pulls it away….

So that’s the opening sequence of the movie. So far so good.

Its described that Vasago is one of the 72 demonic entities that have been known to witches since time immemorial. Vasago is the seer and all who seek him within the crystal will see what he has to show them… what? Yeah ok making up some mythos sure I’ll go along with that. At this point in the film there are really bad pauses. Here’s an example.

Normal (should of been said)
“These are the tools of my profession.”

What was said
“We are most interested in these objects of….. intrigue.”
“Thank you, These are the tools of my…… profession.”

This guy hires Mara to assassinate the Ambassador to the United Nations from Rhodesia… do they even qualify for an ambassador and why choose that country? Why not something like “I want you to kill Heinrich Krieger, second member of the Austrian Consulate.” That’d be more believable. Does anyone even know where Rhodesia is? Its now a country with a name beginning with Z.

There’s a summoning of spirit guides that Mara does. She sounds like she is in the can after a night of binging on Betos. One of her’s is a Native American. And of course as is typical of 1970’s is pretty much the most racist thing I’ve seen with them. “You go sleep room in tepee, you false hair, you burnem hair in fire.” This is horribly bad, And to top it off Mara crosses her arms like the chief sterotype.

The other spirit guide sounds like a horrible breathy female version of John Edwards.

The Rhodesian ambassador dies. He’s not Black or British so I am confused. Mara kills him in a ritual. The guy that hired her decides not to pay her and to kill her because she is too dangerous with that kind of power. His accomplice talks to his .38 special revolver like I talk to my firearms “Lets go to work baby!”

Mara gets shot then after the assassin leaves she disappears in a puff of green smoke and turns into a black cat. Its about this point that the movie gets weird. Mara blood lets a corpse. We get a lesson of White vs Black magic. There’s some bad and crazy Voodoo with sand and pins. Flasback to the witch hunts and some creepy music. And then the fun begins.

The Final Ritual

Black guy is back on the drums, no idea where he’s been. Mara orders the people to strip away their garments as to let the spirit pass through them. Sweet! That means I get to see… no wait the men take off their shirts, damn! Chicks dance and dance. Then they grab spears. Mountain man tells them to kill and the stab the sacrifice guy. There are psychics outside the compound and they remind me of the ones in South Park. Acting with their hands out and such. Big quake happens, everyone dies. Psychics go inside and find everyone dead.

So there is no Blood Orgy, there really aren’t any She Devils… what the hell does the title have to do with the movie then? Oh and for the kicker there is a commentary to the movie from the director on the DVD release. As of the time of this article I have not yet listened to the commentary and I really am hoping I am never bored enough. It might leave me with tears of blood running down my cheeks.

So here comes the breakdown…

Cast – 1: No one I ever heard of and will never see again
Plot – 2: Reminded me of why Wicca never took in my life and no Blood Orgy
Action – 1: The James Bond spoof Casino Royal had better action
Effects – 2: Not as bad as they could of been, some blood looks realish
Music – 1: Horrible electronic sounds that could be music in some backwater country
Final Score – 7

That does not even merit a Star. If you are drunk/horny and you have 79 minutes to kill while you wait for the Pizza boy to try and figure out what house is yours then this is not the movie for you.

There you have it, Blood Orgy of the She Devils… now you don’t have to watch it.