Swank-mo-tron: Hello everyone, Swank-mo-tron here.  I just wanted to kick off our first roundtable in a while, this time for the new 007 picture, Quantum of Solace.

Let me be the first to say that this movie was pretty good despite obvious mistakes and missteps.  The action sequences, though too choppy, were pretty engaging and cool and Daniel Craig is a certifiable bad-ass.  Having said that, this isn’t my favorite Bond film and there are a few reasons for that.  First, the fact that Forster decided to NOT open with the gun barrel sequence that every other James Bond picture opens with started off this outing with a bit of annoyance for me.  (I was already pissed because there wasn’t a Watchmen trailer on my print but two (count ‘em two!) fucking Seven Pounds trailers).  The lack of the gun barrel combined with the utterly patronizing and pointless title screens every time the locale changes served to grate on me through what should have been an otherwise perfect film.  I mean, how many Bond movies have we as a collective audience sat through and didn’t need updates about where the action was heading and all of a sudden we’re too fucking stupid?  I mean honestly, when Bond says, “They’re going to Bolivia,” and they get on a plane and the next shot is him getting off, can’t we just assume that we’re in Bolivia instead of taking me for a moron?  My other big problem was the lack of 007’s theme song in the body of the film.  In Casino Royale, I understood the reason they held off, but for this outing there was no excuse.

Also, where the fuck are Q and Moneypenny?  There is a reason that for 20 straight Bond films there was a Q department and a great scene with Bond and his relationship with Moneypenny.  Why are we not capable of handling that awesomeness anymore?  The next film might as well be Moonraker bad if it can’t include Moneypenny, Q, the James Bond theme and the gun barrel sequence at the fucking beginning.  Otherwise this is just another Bourne movie, and I’ve had enough of those….

Any thoughts?

Humanjunk: The movie was good though. I won’t say it’s as good as Casino Royale, as I seemed to miss the character arc if there was any for Bond. He spent the whole of the movie scowling and being emotionally constipated, don’t get me wrong, Daniel Craig is a fine Bond, by far my favorite, but it seemed to me that he spent the entire time pissed over Vesper. This movie and the last one are more human and real than any of the other ones in the franchise, and Craig, though brooding, brings an element of melancholy to the film; a man who fights against his emotions, fearing that they’ll make him seem weak. He’s well aware that everything he touches turns to shit.

Humanjunk: I’m very happy to see the show return with such a bang. Between Hiro being his awesomely naive self and opening up a pandoras box, Sylar giving Clair a lobotomy, Future Peter fucking up everything up, Suresh pulling a Brundlefly and Nikki becoming Mrs. Freeze, it was a fanboy’s wet dream. A much better start than the last lackluster season. I can’t help but think that this is what the X-Men movies should have been. And what a way to kick off with the introduction of what we really needed: villains. Can’t wait for the rest of the season.

Arse-Bot: I too thought this was a GREAT start to the new season with a nearly flawless 2 hour season premier. It’s dark and brooding, exciting, smart, and just everything us superhero fanboys were looking for in a series about people with special abilities! I really enjoy how this season they are mixing science with faith and asking the question are these God-given abilities, or is there scientific basis around it? And of course it’s heavy on the time travel and Butterfly effect that has always seemed to be at the forefront of Heroes (Ando and Hiro?! WTF?!). Glad the new season has started up, can’t wait for next Monday!

Swank-Mo-Tron: You lousy bastards!  I just started Heroes about a week ago and am 14 episodes in…  So, I’m not participating, but hopefully by the next roundtable or two, I’ll be caught up…. 

Humanjunk: Well, my programing doesn’t include belief in God, so I’ll have to say that Nathan’s newfound faith is due to severe blood loss. I’m rather skeptical about the injection of powers and Ando seeming to have some in the future, as the human element in the show added a sense of reality. Once everyone has powers, what’s the point. I mean, isn’t that why Bendis did House of M? To make mutants a minority again?

Swank, we’re both glad you’re not participating. No one likes you.

Arse-Bot: Agreed with wanting to keep the human factor involved with Ando. I thought that the injection of powers was COMPLETELY out of character for Dr. Suresh), so if I had to point out one negative about the Heroes premiere, that would be it. He’s always been the intelligent, collected, sometimes naive Dr. and now he’s injecting himself with super powers. Maybe I missed that characer progression in season two somewhere…

Humanjunk: I totally agree with the vein spiking of Suresh. Two seasons of him being the pragmatic and rational character of the show and all of a sudden he’s a power hungry mad scientist? Seems rather inconsistent to me. It is a con to this new season, but, if it turns him inside out and he starts to vomit acid on to his food and prey then I’m cool with it. Sureshfly 4 life!

Marvel Comics was brave enough to do what even the biggest movie studios won’t.  And that is give reviewers a chance to check out a stinker in advance of its release. Bravo!

Swank-mo-tron: So, it seems as though there really isn’t much to say about Marvel Apes.  The premise is identical to Marvel Zombies (alternate universe) and it’s pretty much not anywhere near as cool.  I’m not sure why I read this, this is a novelty act that I have no idea how they’re going to sell a bunch of copies of this.  It’s a one-trick-pony and it’s 4 issues long?  It’s like Planet of the Apes with none of the cool sci-fi elements…  It’s just…  God…

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(Here’s another shot of “My Little Tony” and here’s one of Spider-Pony. There’s even a Super-Pony and a Bat-Pony.)

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Humanjunk: Fuck Marvel Ponies. I want to see Marvel Care Bears.

Real Annika MK3-47: I’m a vegan tree-hugger. I love apes, gorillas, and primates of all kinds. Too bad I don’t like crappy comics, or this would be a match made in heaven. Seriously, you would have to pay me to get past the halfway mark.

Mookatron - Wow. “Marvel Apes” felt like a super-crappy mid-season replacement show with a big name star star attached, so the network has to put it out there to justify their investment. I started reading with no expectations whatsoever, and was quickly proven right. They pulled out every bad pun you remember from elementary school and even added a few more. The deal was sealed when Monkey Speedball asks the villainous Dr. Ooktapus (sigh) “Is that a banana or are you just happy to see me?” Really? A dick joke? That’s quality right there. I should have stopped reading there, but I guess I felt like I needed the punishment. Pick up “Apes” if you feel the need to hurt yourself, too.

Bambot: This book could have been fun, but the story was convoluted and way too wordy. At one point one of Gibbon’s rambling captions even gets bored of itself and ends with “blah blah blah.” If the writer is sick of the narration how are we not supposed to be?  Oh and so all you gotta do to impress the simians enough to earn an invite to Ape-vengers HQ is whip Speedball out of a hoodie in time to block a tentacle? Seriously? Did I miss something there? A little weak for a supposed pivotal moment in Gibbon’s life. The character redesigns are also boorish. The ape Reed Richards was cool, though. And Barry Kitson’s art in the back “History of the Marvel Apes Universe” section was nice to look at. Mookatron is dead right about the puns. Monkhattan? Ape-vengers? And way too many proverbs, too. “As the saying goes…” this book sucks.

Say a prayer for the trees that gave their lives for this rubbish.

Kill-tacular-tron: There is nothing about this book that sounds appealing. I refuse to waste the 15 minutes of my life to read it. Instead I’m going to go turn on the microwave and steady my face dangerously close to it for 15 minutes.

Clang! Boom! Steam: I don’t feel like I can criticize it since by sheer virtue of the fact that I read it means that Marvel has the last laugh.

But when you bait me with monkeys, there better be feces-slinging and uninhibited monkey sex, and NO FUCKING TALKING, with the story preferrably being told entirely in crazy-ass monkey noises (in the proven-to-be-successful fashion of that one issue of Powers), or else I’m spending that money on drugs instead. Sorry, Marvel, it’s not that I don’t care - I just don’t get it.

Neotron: I loved it! Actually, I’m just trying to fit in. Everyone liked it, right?

Doctor Cyborg, Robot M.D.: I guess I just don’t see the target audience here. This book suffers from what I like to call “Beverly Hills Chihuahua syndrome” (BHCS) In which something panders so greatly to a child, that it annoys the adults to the point they refuse to buy the product in question, and in the case of Marvel Apes if ever a child breaks the BHCS barrier, he would have a comic book that is far to wordy to read. In fact I can personally guarantee that no one in history, has ever or will ever read Marvel Apes in its entirety. Which is one reason that it took Marvel so long to put the book out. True Story : Marvel had to hire two new editors for every page of Marvel Apes, because the book is simply that boring.

Swank-mo-tron: None of us saw this pile of radioactive dookie.  The trailer was enough to make me want to gouge out my eyes.

Humanjunk: Speak for yourself. I saw it and it was by far the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. It was like a dilapidating orgasm that rendered me to a puddle of goo in the theaters chair.

Swank-mo-tron: I don’t believe you.

Swank-mo-tron: I caught Hellboy on Thursday night and I have to say I was really into it. It was funnier, more epic and better designed than the first one to the point where you could tell that they really let Guillermo Del Toro loose in the wake of how good Pan’s Labyrinth was. I was really excited to see how they pulled Johann off and it was even better than I could have expected. I was also surprised by their choice of voice talent for him (Seth McFarlane, creator of Family Guy) but it worked out perfectly. The way it differs from the comics and the cartoons is also quite refreshing. It’s good to see that Del Toro and Mignola realize they’re dealing with different worlds in different mediums and so movie Hellboy is different than comic Hellboy. It’s just a nice touch.

What did everybody else think?

Mookatron: I caught an opening night show of Hellboy and walked out with a big smile on my face. I loved that they had so successfully balanced the action/adventure with the humor. A couple times I had visions of Ben Grimm from the FF and thought “why couldn’t they have made THAT work like this?” Oh well. Screw the FF, Hellboy works just fine. Perlman slides right back into character and runs rampant in the role. Selma Blair, who I don’t enjoy in much else, pulls off Liz Sherman with the right amount of edge and stress. Strauss was fun, and Abe sees his role increased from film one. I did notice that David Hyde Pierce isn’t back as Abe’s voice, but whoever did it was close enough that it took a bit for me to realize the swap had happened.

The huge jump in quality for me was seeing the obvious influence that Pan’s Labyrinth has had on del Toro’s work. The tooth fairies, the troll market, and the spirit of death are awesomely awesome. The bad guy elves look great too. I think my favorite piece though is the story told to a young Hellboy at the beginning of the film. Looking like it was animated with your basic carved wooden art model, the story and history of the Golden Army is explained in way that took me back to the way they did it in the first LotR film. Some practice for del Toro as he readies himself to work on the Hobbit films? Maybe so. Some special bonus points for del Toro regular Doug Jones who once again portrays Abe, as well as about 98 other roles in this film. Worth seeing for any self-respecting geek or robot and I definitely hope we see more of everyone’s favorite red-skinned demon spawn from the del Toro/Mignola team.

One other thing, easily the best use of a Barry Manilow song in a nerd flick….ever.

Humanjunk: I want to see the human/pryro/demon babies Liz and Hellboy made… And I want to see them make the babies.I found the movie incredibly entertaining, and was incredibly satisfied to see that the film and comic as two different things. The movie still holds the same spirit that the comic does whilst adding an element of hollywood to it. Ten bucks says that Lobster Johnson is in Hellboy III.On a fanboy note, as much as I love Abe’s character in both the first and second movie, I wanted to see him kick some fucking ass. He’s a nimble, slippery fishman. Let’s see him slide around and do all kinds of cool shit. Next movie, next movie…

Oh yeah, and sit through the credits: nothing happens.

Swank-mo-tron: I’ve been to more than one con where Del Toro and Mignola appear together and Del Toro always publicly begs to be allowed to use Lobster Johnson but Mignola always seems annoyed by that and says that he’ll never let that happen.

Humanjunk: Lobster Johnson should be in every movie. From Hellboy to Superman Returns to Glory.

Swank-mo-tron: Agreed.

Dr. Cyborg: Hellboy II kicked a lot of ass, I think I liked the Angel of Death the most, I thought there was some really cool action in it, I think I liked the parts that felt closer to the comic book the best. This movie was good for lots of reasons, and it has much better comedy in it, then most comedy’s that come out. I want to go watch it again.

Kill-tacular-tron: I loved Hellboy 2. I will admit the opening scene with “Hellkid” felt a little out of place to me. It just felt awkward. Not to say I didn’t enjoy the story about the Golden Army. I can’t wait to see where they take the story next.

Humanjunk: Hellkid was a nice touch.

Dr. Cyborg: The coolest part of the movie, is that the architect of the golden army is such a simpleton, looking for shiny objects. The movie is twice as good the second viewing, so everyone get back to the movie theatre and watch it again.

Swank-mo-tron: Agreed.

Clang! Boom! Steam!: It was great to see Del Toro unleashed with more resources and fewer restrictions. I loved the careful blend of creepy horror and tough guy comedy that makes the comics so fun to read. I do wish that the story was a bit more Hellboy-centric instead of the prince stuff, which was still cool (especially the wooden doll bedtime story) , but I’m still a hopeless nerd for the Anung un Rama stuff that dominates the comics. The movies and the comics are separate, and that’s cool, but I really would have crapped myself for a Conqueror Worm movie with some more fan favorites like Roger and Lobster Johnson - expand the universe a bit.

I’m sure I’ll see it again, the detail in the design work makes you feel like you have to since you probably missed lots of cool stuff, like the first time you saw the cantina scene in A New Hope.

My vote for coolest monster has to go to an underdog even though the Angel Of Death was incredibly cool, my personal favorite was the shop keeper with the cathedral sprouting out if his head at the Troll Market. Only Del Toro could pull something like that.

Swank-mo-tron: Well, the summer has yielded yet another nerd aimed summer blockbuster for us to prop up and tear down with our incredibly popular and influential Big Shiny Robot! roundtables. Today’s topic is Louis Letterier’s pseudo-reboot of the Hulk franchise.

I for one, enjoyed the hell out of it and feel like it was on par with Iron Man. Having said that, though, I think there were elements of the Ang Lee film that I liked more and elements of this that I liked more than the Ang Lee version, but overall, this is the ultimate fan version of the Hulk story. He gets to do and say all of the cool Hulk shit that he does (”Hulk Smash!” as he does his ground breaking move and how he gets to put out a fire with his thunderclap…)

All in all, I’m excited to see how this movie fits together with the Avengers. This could be a really interesting dynamic.

What did you guys think?

Humanjunk: Initially in the opening credits of the flick I was a little peeved that they re-did the origin of the character rather than just using the first movie as a basis for this one. But, Edward Norton’s acting, and the man on the road concept peaked my interest and within the first 30 minutes of the movie I had one thought: this is the Hulk.

Neotron: Is it a sin to say that I liked this flick as much, if not more, than Iron Man? Well, not as a whole. But there’s something about the nitty, gritty physical drama involved in Hulk that hits homes. It way exceeded my expectations and I had a blast. After reading The Ultimates, and having more a feel for Banner and the Hulk, I thought Ed Norton was the perfect Bruce and the Hulk was perfectly super-duper pissed and primal. The CGI was the only thing that I was worried about going into the theater. And I was pleasantly surprised. It was believable and often forgotten that I was looking at computer animation. I’ve always thought CG characters should be darkened, with a high concentration of light and shadow realism (i.e. Gollum). The darker greens on Hulk with dingy dirts and grime made it stand out above Ang Lee’s version. The Hulk simply looked intimidating and ferocious. The work done to his facial expressions were a real added charm. I’ve heard people rip on some of the acting in the film, but I thought it was superb. William Hurt and Tim Roth both did amazing jobs as supporting characters and Norton and Tyler sold the romance and then tension. And, holy shit, the audience went nuts when Tony Stark walked into the bar at the end. Can’t fucking wait for The Avengers.

M.C. Frogger: I really liked this Hulk but, of course, I really liked Ang Lee’s Hulk too. Edward Norton was perfect, the way that he would run looked like a scientist, and he was scrawny, too. I thought I was going to hate Liv Tyler, but I didn’t, she wasn’t that bad.

All and all it was a good movie, the Hulk emoted like no other (in fact, he reminded me of my puppy). You could actually tell how he felt from his eyes alone.

One last thing, when do we get to see The Leader?

Swank-mo-tron: For some reason, I just don’t see Marvel racing out to tell the quintessential Hulk vs. Leader story on film anytime soon. That would be like a Batman movie racing straight to The Calculator. Maybe not that bad, but you get the idea.

Dr. Cyborg: I went to the midnight viewing of this movie and was forced to sit next to an ass-hole the whole time, no, I am not talking about Swank-mo-tron, there was another, bigger ass-hole. He clapped whenever someone got hurt or whenever Edward Norton didn’t have a shirt on, and laughed annoyingly loud when they made any of the many one liners.

It felt kinda like hell.

The worst moment was when Edward Norton was in the glass annex and they shot gas bombs into the windows, Edward Norton took off his shirt. The man next to me let out a “whoooooooo.” Then Edward Norton put the shirt over his face to act as a sort of gas mask. The revelation that Edward Norton was not stripping for him forced him to recall his “whooooo” by saying “oh never mind.”

The fact is that I liked this flick, but I wouldn’t put it above the Ang Lee version at all, I think they were equal for different reasons. I didn’t think that Edward Norton brought anything special to this roll but was acceptable. I liked the Hulk action, and I thought that this was one of the best Stan Lee cameosto date. I thought that Tim Roth was really good, and that his action sequences I.E. him running faster then all the soldiers, then standing a chance against the Hulk were the coolest moments in the film.

Humanjunk: That dude you sat next to was me.

Swank-mo-tron: So, it seems as though a lot of us are reading Secret Invasion, some more carefully than others. And I’ve been arguing back and forth in a very friendly sort of way with Clang! Boom! Steam! and McFrogger about whether or not Tony Stark is a Skrull in the current Marvel 616 continuity. My bet is that he is. Not just because of how much of a fucker he was during Civil War, but because of the whole nanites thing. The guy is basically a human satellites for all of Earths defenses. If I’m the enemy and want a sleeper agent that’s the one I’d want to have. M.C. Frogger tore me a new asshole about that theory though. But with the way the Marvel 616 universe has been going (*cough* Brand New Day *cough*), I’d believe that they’d do literally anything to the characters, up to and including ass rape.

So, my question is this: What do you guys think?

Humanjunk: I’m not quite sure if he’s a Skrull… But, one possibility is that the Captain America that fought the Civil War was a Skrull and his motive was to help divide the heroes. The only flaw to that theory is that when he was killed a few issues ago his body didn’t turn into a Skrull, so I’m probably wrong… But it seems like Marvel’s easiest ploy to bring back Steve Rogers without having to deal with any mystical crap a la Spider-Man: One More Day.

Mookatron - I had to smile as I flipped page after page of Secret Invasion #3 (in stores now…go get it) and (SPOILER IF YOU HAVEN’T READ IT YET) Spider Woman, who’s been revealed as the Skrull Queen gives Tony the “hey, you don’t know it but your a Skrull” speech. Clever, very clever. I don’t think he’s a Skrull. It’s classic Bendis to dangle something big like that and then end up throwing a curve that’s something out of left field, something totally unexpected. I am very interested to see who of the 70’s era heroes that got off the Skrull ship end up being real, and how far back they were Skrullified. I’m usually not a fan of extensive retconning, but this has been fun. I guess they could screw it up and I’ll hate it, but for now I’m hopeful.

Kill-tacular-tron: Hell yah its fun. I love this B-Movie meets MARVEL universe. Tony certainly has been an extra big douche bag lately. Which would explain why he’s a skrull, or why it would be easier for Spider-Woman to convince him that he is.

Swank-mo-tron: I haven’t read Secret Invasion #3 yet.

Dicks.

Welcome to another Big Shiny Robot! roundtable. This was for the final episode of the fourth season of Lost.

Neotron: I know some of you watched it. I think it’s worth discussing in a group. Thoughts?

Budgetron: Oh my gosh! I can’t even begin to write down all of the things I am thinking right now, but I will say this: Next season better pick up with Jack trying to convince everyone to go back to the island. I mean, I’m sure that’s where they’re going, and I think it’s genius. I can’t say more, I gotta sleep on this shit. So good, though! I hate typing…

Kill-tacular-tron: Yah, this finale blew my mind. I think your episode review covers all of it. I missed a couple points that you ended up pointing out to me. I bet Penny ends up dying. That’ll be the only way they get Desmond to return to the island. And it would be a punch in the gut for the audience. Especially since they found one another so easily. He gets off the island and BAM there she is.

McFrogger: Jack has to convince Sun, whom now seems to be teaming with Whitmore, to come as well and how is he going to convince Kate to bring Arron?

Swank-mo-tron: First, I don’t think Jack is going to be convincing anyone. I think Sayid will be doing it at gunpoint. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if the scene with Sayid and Hurley in last nights episode were post-fake-beard Jack and Ben’s meeting over Benthal’s corpse. As far as my general feelings go, were I a slightly less manly-programmed robot, installed with tear duct functions, I might have used them during this episode. Repeatedly. This episode was extremely satisfying and fun to watch and had plenty of twists, turns and hidden crap aplenty to sufficiently short wire my programming and wanting for more. I hope we get to see more Frank, too. I really like that SOB.

My biggest complaint about this episode? The fact that there won’t be anymore until two-thousand-and-fucking-nine!

ARRRGGGHHH!

Arse-bot: Last night I got comfy with a Jack and Coke and a bag of delicious Jalapeño Kettle Chips (yes, they are delicious, Kill-Tacular-Tron can verify) and strapped in for the event that was the LOST season finale. The consensus for this round table seems to be speech-less, and I am in the same boat. LOST crams a lot of plot in to just one hour, let alone two, and a lot obviously happened. While a lot of questions were answered even more were created, like, is Michael really dead? Or is Hurley just telling Walt he was left on the island so he doesn’t have to tell the poor kid his dad blew up? Same with Jin. Mortality seems to be a fluid concept on the island, but Michael and Jin weren’t on the island when they met their demise… but then again, neither was Jack’s dad… And yeah, the Sayid/Keamy fight was tits, Sayid is a badass with a heart of gold (not so much the “heart of gold thing” after he gets off the island apparently, but we’ll see). I am a big Jin fan, I think his character has come a long way, and I’d hate to see him gone for good, so I’m hoping for a different POV of that boat blowing up when he and Michael jump off just before it goes “Boom”. I think we should start a pool for 2009 with predictions as to how many episodes into the next season it will be before finding out what happened to those still on the island after the white light… 3? Maybe 4? Much, much more happened and I obviously have so many more questions and theories etc, but there is just too much going on in my processor to even be able to compute most of it right now, let alone put it to words. Great season finale, can’t wait until 2009! (fuck that’s a long time…)

Dr. Cyborg: I liked it, I just wish that they focused more on the dead coming back to life stuff. Shit what if Keamy comes back to life? I hate that fucker. I was so hungry to know about the dead people, and I thought that Ben was going to be the one in the coffin, and then when he was in the funeral parlor, I still thought he was going to be the one in the coffin, and there were going to be two Ben’s, that would have been fucking cool. I think somehow the highlight to the episode for me though was when Sayid fought Keamy, I know we have been seeing him being an assassin for a while now, but it just seems that I have been waiting to see him do, what he did to Keamy, since the first season. Dr. Cyborg out’chall.

Clang! Boom! Steam!: Did the island really vanish? I could have sworn it sank leaving that perfect circular ripple (that only a sphere should make?) Maybe my eyes were playing tricks on me.
Anyway, so good, everything I love about the series in this episode, including creepy old Dharma videos. The Frozen Donkey Wheel part was some of the coolest/weirdest shit I’ve seen since the 4 toed statue in season one - total Atlantis feel - I know that’s an old tired theory, but still.
As for season 5, I care less about who convinces who and more about how the Hell they find their way back - that will be something.

Neotron: Here’s some highlights from my review:

The fact that I think Ben and Locke are brothers made their interaction even more joyous. The sense of sibling rivalry has always plagued the two. Ben admits defeat and sends Locke off to be the new Island Prophet while he spins the “Frozen Donkey Wheel” and we see a flash similar to the hatch explosion. The Island vanishes (it doesn’t sink for those of you who think so) and water spills in to fill the void where it once stood. If it had sunk, there would be debris and people floating on the surface. Not to mention the Black Rock.

Note: Ben cuts his arm in the Ice Room and is wearing a snow parka. It’s the same parka he’s wearing when he appears in the desert in Tunisia a few episodes back. And his arm is cut. So we know what happened to Ben. He was flashed forward into the future.

Another note: The new Dharma video was cut off as he was explaining that the time-traveling bunny “only appears to have vanished”, but really it…….. What does this say about the island and Ben? Did the island go into the past? Or did it go into the future? Is the reason they can’t find the island yet because it hasn’t appeared yet?

Oh, and this episode made my lubricant tubes leak also.

Oh, yeah: What happened to Desmond’s vision last season where he saw Claire and Aaron get on the helecopter? You know, the vision that Charlie sacrificed himself for? Wow, I hope the writers did not screw that up…

Swank-mo-tron: And what about the pigeons that found the island and Claire and Desmond attached the message saying they were all alive, too? I bet that’s going to come back and bite Jack’s lying in the ass.

CONSENSUS: This episode blew everyone’s mind and Lost, once again, proves why it’s a really cool nerd show. Anyone else have anything to add?

Also, anyone else hit the Octagon Recruiting Agency website?

Swank-mo-tron: So, any self-respecting nerd-bot should have been to the movies by now to see the latest installment of the Indiana Jones saga, The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. My initial impressions of it are two-fold: 1) I don’t think it was as good as the others, but this is a trend in Indiana Jones films. The sequel was never better than the previous installment. 2) I can get behind the 50’s atomic age sci-fi stuff better than others seem to be able to. Overall, I enjoyed the film and had a great time watching it, although I understand that it made a few missteps. But I don’t care about the missteps. It’s a cheesy 50s sci-fi movie with Indiana Jones in the lead. All of the supporting characters worked for me (except Marion, I think they should have brought Lawrence Kasdan in to write her) and Cate Blanchett worked as the heavy, although I never really felt like there was much at all at stake. (Which was one of the major weaknesses of the film.) That being said, I think they should have called it Indiana Jones and the Saucer Men from Mars instead of what they named it. Yes, it would have been a dead giveaway, but it would have worked.

Humanjunk: The Crystal Skull raped my childhood. It was hard to tell what was worse Shia LaBeouf’s greaser façade straight out of The Outsiders or Cate Blanchett’s horrid accent. To tell you the truth I was half expecting Ralph Macchio to stroll out with 3rd degrees and gasp out “Stay gold Pony Boy” to Mutt Jones. Between the asinine psychobabble of John Hurt and Karen Allen’s monkey face the story’s pace and action sequences felt as decrepit as Harrison Ford himself. I found myself in a constant “why don’t they just fucking do this or do that” throughout the entire film.

I’m all about keeping up with the 50’s atomic age, red scare, men from Mars concept, but the stakes never really rose and I didn’t feel like the characters were in any danger. The lovey dovey subplot between Marion Ravenwood and Indiana Jones had absolutely no passion. Latent with killer fire-ants, interdimensional beings and a psychic KGB agent that didn’t do anything psychic other than saying “you’re hard to read Dr. Jones” this movie lacked the heart and soul the first three had. Jesus Tittyfucking Temple of Doom had more soul than this vapid money grab of a popcorn flick. What a snoozer.

Swank-mo-tron: Raped your childhood? That would somehow imply that The Great Bearded ones abducted you, forced you to watch the movie and raped you in the ass while doing so. I would bet dollars to donuts that you bought your own ticket and brought way too much baggage in with you.

Neotron: This movie was an amazingly joyous retreat from a cockroach filled film office. I put my 12 year old glasses on and held on for the ride. It delivered everything I needed. The opening “American Graffiti” homage was nice yet starkly different from an Indy opening. The title sequence seemed rather requisite and it took a while for the “Oh shit, something’s going down” plot to happen. The Atom Bomb, Area 51, and Indy running around a 50s town full of bomb test manniquins felt out of place, but strangely perfect. The warehouse sequence was good yet the script seemed to be chaotic and meandering. And this set up the rest of the film. With my adult glasses on, Koepp’s screenplay was lazy, unfocused and all over the place with no real building of gripping tension or the suspense of something at stake. It had a “Lost” and “Spiderman 3″ problem also. Way too many main characters vying for screen time and one-liners. I really would have liked to see what Frank Darabont had come up with. But anyways, the film was exciting, funny, and nostalgic. And I loved it. Sure all the CGI in the end felt very un-Indy and VERY Phantom Menace. Sure, Tarzan Mutt was ridiculous. Sure, the re-incarnation of Lucas’ Ewoks was head-slappingly dumb. And the CGI alien in the end? Didn’t it look almost exactly like the aliens in “Close Encounters”? Hell, why didn’t they just CG Richard Dreyfuss in there to retrieve the skull? Well, if I had to sum up the only problem with the movie it would be this: George Lucas. It reminded me of the Star Wars prequels. Often good, mostly OK, but always just missing greatness.

Swank-mo-tron: You guys don’t deserve George Lucas.

Mookatron: I caught a 10pm show of “Crystal Skull” on opening night (who knew robots got the Senior rate?!?!?), ran it through my critique circuits and here we go. I really liked this movie, there was a lot it did really well. Highlights for me were the bike chase, the scene at his desk with pics of Brody and Dad, the changing perspective of Indy being a son to Indy being a father, and more. I give it a solid three stars. Lots of fun, a thrill ride, perfect flick for summer…blah, blah, blah. It’s Indiana Jones for heck’s sake. I don’t think I need to pimp it, do I? I think it’ll make a few dollars here and there. On the other hand, here are my beefs. The things that kept “Crystal Skull” from being a great movie instead of the good movie I think it is. First off, let’s all agree that they should release a special edition of the movie WITHOUT the monkey scene. George just can’t let that “nature will band together and defeat evil” story beat go, will he? Sheesh. Next, being blown a good two or three miles through the air in a fridge (faster than a speeding car full of Commrades mind you) and our hero rolls out pretty much unscathed? C’mon! That just might be the biggest problem for me. Going back to “Raiders,” Indy does some incredible things (sliding under a moving truck, surviving while hanging on to a submarine, etc.), but they never felt like things that were impossible. Fantastic and incredibly difficult? Sure, but impossible? Nope. If they’d had Mutt swing on a vine, then not find another one and end up falling 10 or 15 feet to the ground I would have gone with it. But no, he has to go all Tarzan and somehow muster up a squadron of monkeys to help him get back at the Russians. Yikes. There must have been half a dozen cars in driveways along Atomic City, there was even an ice cream truck. Indy escaping in an ice cream truck? Funny AND plausible. Anyway, don’t avoid it, it’s a great ride, and seeing Indy on screen again after so many years is worth the ticket price alone.

Doctor Cyborg Robot M.D. Attorney at Law: George Lucas must be stopped! I kept my mouth shut for the prequels, but this is getting ridiculous. I didn’t like the film, but only because they labeled it Indiana Jones, there were some fun moments, sure, there were some cool action sequences, fine, but they all felt cheap and lacked depth. Which is fine if I were watching the Adventures of Chet Chesterfield, but it’s not okay when I am told I am about to see an Indiana Jones movie. Everyone has already commented about the CG monkey sequence so I guess I can stay away from that, but seriously what surrounded the monkey sequence felt like “Pirates of the Caribbean 3: The Worst Movie Ever.” I hated that so many exterior shots felt like a bad set, I hated that Karen Allen lost the ability to act, so they told her to just smile. I felt cheated , and then the alien skeletons combined into one and fried Cate Blanchett, that might have been nonsense.

There were definitely some things to like about the movie, but they did not out weigh the bad, and most the time came with a sour after taste I.E. the nuclear bomb. I just thought that Indiana Jones was better than that.

Swank-mo-tron: I think you’re letting the few silly moments and the weaker than neccesary script get in the way of just enjoying the movie for what it is: a popcorn flick modeled after bad 50’s sci-fi.

Mookatron: Mentioning the bomb reminded me of a thought I had as that image of Indy standing a couple miles (at best) away from the nuclear fury of an atomic mushroom cloud unfolded before my eyes: “I think now they can do another movie that takes place 5 years later called “Indiana Jones and the Chemotherapy Sessions of Death.”

Humanjunk: Hopefully the radiation from that a-bomb left Indiana Jones franchise sterile to avoid any future sequels.

Neotron: Having slept on it, George Lucas is still an idiot.

Ewok Monkeys. Ewok Monkeys. Mother Fucking Ewok Monkeys.

Also, I wanted to point out all the plot holes, but my email would crash from listing all 1,243,900 of them.

Still, I had fun watching it. And it’s going to make a ton of money. And we all know that George Lucas needs all the money he can get… So that he can screw up the Star Wars TV series and further ruin all of our beloved nostalgia of back when he was a pissed off divorced nerd who actually made decent films.

Swank-mo-tron: George Lucas didn’t ruin anything. It was your egos and ids that won’t allow you to enjoy these things like kids any longer. Also, Crystal Skull has waaaaaaaay less plot holes than any ten minute stretch of the Matrix. And we all know the Matrix has the most per-minute plot holes in bad movie history.

Also, Ewoks are cool.

Budgetron: I’m seeing it tomorrow…I hope I love it. I’ll report tomorrow and discuss it on the geekshow podcast I will be linking on BSR.

Clang! Boom! Steam!: Wow, Budgetron is beating me to a movie. I think I have a bad motivator. I’ll post Sunday afternoon so you’ll know what to think of it.

Budgetron: The only reason I’m seeing it so early, Clang!, is because I need to see it for the geekshow on Sunday night. So, I probably would have waited for the $1 theater otherwise. You guys should have known I had a good reason to spend my money so frivolously. Oh, but don’t worry, I’m going to a matinee…so…there.

Clang! Boom! Steam!: Fag.

IN CLOSING: It seems as though we all came to the same consensus about what was wrong with the movie. We were split down the middle, it seems, as of to the affect those problems had on our enjoyment (or not in some cases) of the film.